2014 NFL THANKSGIVING CHEATSHEET

It's that time again! You're going home. Family and food are happening. Sportsball will likely be on your TV. Need something innocuous to discuss while you stuff more pie in your face? You've come to the right place! And lucky for you, non-sports viewer, this year's slate of Thanksgiving games features all of our favorite whipping posts, from Tony Romo to Jay Cutler and ports in between. We haven't had this much fun since the Butt Fumble (seems like it was only last Thanksgiving, but no, it was TWO Thanksgivings ago and it's kept giving ever since).

Chicago Bears at Detroit Lions
12:30pm EST (CBS)

Big week in Detroit. On Sunday, the Lions play in New England against the evil Patriots. On Monday, they're letting the Buffalo Bills and New York Jets "borrow" their stadium so that they don't have to play in 47 feet of snow, and then on Thursday, they host their annual Thanksgiving game. For generations, the Lions' Thanksgiving game has been the perfect opportunity for a food nap, but in recent years, they've become much more interesting. After monster receiver Calvin Johnson (also known as "Megatron") broke all the receiving records a year or two ago, the Lions have been kind of quiet this year, almost sneakily going 7-3.

Their opponent, the Bears of Chicago, have been anything BUT quiet and sneaky. They've been a delightful tire fire while having a bunch of really exciting fantasy football players. Even embattled quarterback Jay Cutler has put up lovely fantasy numbers (I have him on my team). I love watching Jay Cutler; he reminds me of April from Parks and Recreation; I firmly believe he has a heart of gold underneath that glum stare (he's from Santa Claus, Indiana for crying out loud, which, incidently also claims Hall of Fame Quarterback Bob Griese as its own).

Basically, this game features two entities just dying to collapse for our amusement, and getting Jay Cutler as part of my Thanksgiving festivities is an unexpected treat. I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I'm unworthy. Thank you, NFL Schedulers.

Philadelphia Eagles at Dallas Cowboys
4:30pm EST (FOX)

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Mark Sanchez's triumphant return to Thanksgiving day! (Watches Butt Fumble video three more times.)

The word on Philly is that they like to play football as though it's basketball. They like to snap the ball fast, score fast, everything fast. The announcers have trouble talking between plays. If they get their way, it will be a difficult game to nap through, like being in a room with a strobe light. Their starting quarterback is a guy named Nick Foles, who looks shockingly like Napoleon Dynamite, but Nick/Napoleon is injured, and that's how we get Mark Sanchez, his back up, who exists somewhere in the realm of "I've played in two AFC Championship games, but I'm also the guy from the Butt Fumble." So anything could happen, including copious napping.

A few weeks ago on Monday Night Football, Tony Romo fractured his back. Then he took a flight from Dallas to London and still played. Now he's back and (theoretically) still-still playing. If Mark Sanchez is known for a two-year-old Butt Fumble, then Romo is probably best known for a seven-year-old botched snap in a playoff game against the Seattle Seahawks. Both guys have enjoyed being the coolest dude in the room and being beat up as the most incompetent moron in the league, or so it would seem. But only one will emerge victorious, and both have their eyes on playoff spots with only about a month to go. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?

Seattle Seahawks at San Francisco 49ers
8:30pm EST (NBC)

The other two Thanksgiving games are cool because they have an awesome mix of comedic potential and actual sporting potential. This business, however, is commonly thought of as the best rivalry in the land (at least at this moment). The Seahawks are defending Super Bowl champs, and the 49ers were in the Super Bowl the year previous. They legitimately don't like each other. Even the coaches have some previous, dating back to when they coached at rival college institutions (49ers Jim Harbaugh at Stanford and Seahawks Pete Carroll at USC). This game is the real deal, and they're playing it in the 49ers brand new shiny stadium.

Have a lovely Thanksgiving week!

2014 World Cup CHEATSHEET: US Men's National Team

Entire country coming to a standstill tomorrow to watch American play soccer and you'd like to have an idea of who's rep'ing the Red, White, and Blue? You've come a pretty good place (though the right place is probably meninblazers.com). Though I'm terrified that anything I write might end up being incredibly jinxy, here are my personal thoughts on a very likable United States soccer team.

GOALIES

The United States has been producing world-caliber goalies for quite some time now. Historically, the best ones have had no hair, and this roster is no exception.

Tim Howard is our starter. He's a man's man, the sort that would grow a beard to play a ninety-degrees-in-the-shade game in the Amazon jungle. He's originally from New Jersey. Once upon a time ago, he played for the infamous Manchester United. Now he plays for Everton, a spunky team in Liverpool in the English Premier League (and they wear the same color blue as the Indianapolis Colts, so I dig them). He's lived with Tourette Syndrome and plays in goal as though he's moving his defenders around with a PlayStation controller.

Our backup goalie is a guy from the Chicago 'burbs named Brad Guzan. While we obviously hope Timmy Howard maintains perfect health, we do have some depth at the position should something go horribly wrong. Brad also plays in the EPL, for Aston Villa in Birmingham, and Brad actually played in a lot of the games that qualified the US for the World Cup. Our third goalie is a guy I don't know anything about: Nick Rimando, who plays for Salt Lake City in MLS (who lost in the championship game last season to Kansas City). He has a full head of hair, so I'm not sure how I feel about him. He's probably a really nice guy who's kind to puppies and children.

THE DUAL CITIZENS

A lot has been made about Coach Jurgen Klinsmann's German kids (Timmy Chandler, Fabian Johnson, John Anthony Brooks, Jermaine Jones, and Julian Green). Guys with one American parent and one European parent, the children of American soldiers who were stationed overseas. Four of the five have played, and they've really risen to the occasion (Green hasn't played, but for crying out loud, he's 19 years old). There were some questions of how "American" these guys really were. Maybe they've never lived in the States. Maybe they speak with European accents. Maybe they just decided to play for the States because "they weren't good enough" to make Germany's roster.

We can't know what's in these guys' hearts, but I have thought a lot about how much identity is wrapped up in nationalism (I wrote a novel about it once upon a time ago, so this narrative is particularly special to me). At some point in history, all of us have ancestors who chose to be American. Nobody forced these guys to join the team. We don't know for sure that the line about them "not being good enough" is actually true (especially in Julian Green's case, because NINETEEN YEARS OLD). So long as these fellas want to be American, that's good enough for me. They've already made a lot of positive noise in the World Cup, and they'll no doubt (for better or worse) be the story against Germany.

There are two other kiddos on the roster who had to choose their national soccer allegiances: Aron Johannssen and (my personal favorite) Mix Diskerud. These are our Scandinavian Americans. Aron, who came on for the injured Jozy Altidore against Ghana, was born in Alabama, but grew up in Iceland (some have nicknamed him "The Iceman"). Mix, who might have the coolest name in all of American sports, has a Norwegian father and Arizonian mother. Match-ups and injuries have demanded particular players play, and Klinsmann has done a magnificent job managing this roster, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm terribly disappointed Mix hasn't gotten to play yet. But he's young. And delightful. He'll get his chance.

THE UNEXPECTED MLS HEROES

One of the underrated stories of this World Cup how our domestic league players have really delivered. The United States brought several established players who have been toiling in MLS for years, who maybe thought their chances at making a World Cup team were over.

Matt Besler and Graham Zusi both play for reigning MLS champions Kansas City (who, by the way, have really nice uniforms). These two are best buddies. Besler has been awesome as a defender in two games, despite his gimpy hamstring. I didn't know much about him until he caught my attention in the ESPN 30for30 documentary on the team, when he basically said "Ronaldo's good, but he's human." And Graham Zusi has been a corner kick wizard, getting two assists and looking good doing it.

One of the truly blue-collar players has been Kyle Beckerman, he of the famous dreads. He plays for Salt Lake City, doesn't get a lot of glory, but plays hard and with a great attitude. Side note: if you want to get attached to an MLS team and aren't sure where to start, the pattern of players on the national team would probably lead you toward Kansas City, Salt Lake City, LA Galaxy, or Seattle. If Mix's transfer to Portland had gone through, my allegiance would be finalized. Alas.

We can't forget Chris Wondolowski here, either. Wondo's a California guy of Native American heritage with eyes so big and innocent I like to think of him as the American Puss-In-Boots, right down to his quiet assassin-like tendencies. DeAndre Yedlin, a burst of energy off the bench against Portugal, was born in Seattle and now plays for Seattle, too. Omar Gonzalez is a basketball-tall soft-spoken guy from Texas who now plays for the LA Galaxy. And Brad Davis, who plays in bright orange for the Houston Dynamo, does a lot of great work with military families.

One thing to keep an eye on: if the United States continues to play well, some of these players making names for themselves might get opportunities to move to higher paying teams overseas. MLS has a salary cap; the European leagues do not, and they don't have limits on how many guys they can keep on their rosters, either. If these guys attract foreign attention, it could be good for them, but it might potentially suck for the home league to lose them.

AMERICAN GLOBETROTTERS

As much as MLS has improved over the last twenty or so years, the best players still play elsewhere. But, there has been a bit of a trend lately of American globetrotting players coming home. Our star goal scorer, Clint Dempsey, played for a couple of London teams, Fulham (which is now owned by the same guy who owns the Jacksonville Jaguars) and Tottenham (one of the bigger teams in the English Premier League). But, in the run up to the World Cup, Dempsey shocked everyone by coming home to play for Seattle, arguably the most rabid soccer fanbase in America. They consistently fill the Seattle Seahawks' football stadium and behave like a really, really big college student section. Seattle is amazing.

After Dempsey came home, so did Michael Bradley. He'd been playing in Rome for one of the better teams in Italy, but now he's stationed in Toronto (yes, I know it's technically in Canada, but it's still our domestic league). Defender Geoff Cameron, who has taken a little heat for the goal at the end of the game against Portugal, plays for Stoke in the English Premier League. An English TV announcer once described him throwing a ball in from out of bounds as "Quarterback Style!" Though defenders don't score very often, it is fun to scream "Quarterback Style!" any time Cameron does something good. But when things go a little sideways, he has been known to get Tim Duncan eyes.

To round out the roster, Alejandro Bedoya plays in France, and DaMarcus Beasley (originally of Fort Wayne, Indiana) plays in Mexico. And of course, our injured playmaker, Jozy Altidore, a Floridian born to Haitian immigrant parents who scored goals like a maniac when he played in the Dutch league (with Aron Johannssen), then almost suffered relegation with Sunderland in England. Jozy's been tumbling around inside a cement mixer for about a year, but hopefully he's on the mend. That's twenty-three likable guys, each with a story to tell and with something to contribute. But really, the star of the team seems to be Coach Jurgen Klinsmann. He's dynamic, he's charismatic, and he's played a very, very smart tournament. I've grown quite fond of him. Regardless of what happens Thursday, I hope he has this job for a long, long time.

I BELIEVE.

CHEATSHEET: 2014 World Cup

Not a sports fan? Think soccer is stupid but everyone's talking about it right now and you feel a little left out? Or maybe you kinda like the idea of soccer but there are so many leagues and teams and players that it's all kind of overwhelming? You've come to the right place! We're Americans! We like embracing flash-heroes! Here are a few story lines and talking points to help you enjoy the next few weeks.

GROUPS

Maybe you've heard the United States is in "Group G." There are eight groups, "A" through "H." Every team is guaranteed to play at least three games. Wins are worth three points, ties are worth one point, losses suck. If two teams in a group have the same number of points after three games, then they count up the goals scored to decide who wins the group (so running up the score is good, if you can do it). The top two teams in every group move on to an NCAA Tournament style knockout round, where ties cease to exist.

TEAMS

Spain was one of the favorites, but I'm late writing this post, so they've already been eliminated. This means I don't have to explain how they won the last three international tournaments in a row, but it also means I have no excuse to link to anything related to Sad Fernando Torres. Watch for him to score 10 completely meaningless goals against the Australians, who are also already eliminated. What a shame, the Aussies were fun to watch.

The Dutch were the runners up in the last World Cup, and they were the ones who slayed the Spanish and Australians. They usually wear orange, but so far in this tournament they've been wearing these gorgeous blue alternate uniforms, which I've decided are lucky. They have two super stars who are rumored to hate each other, Robin van Persie and Arjen Robben (Robin and Robben). Robin plays for the famous Manchester United in England, Robben plays for the also famous Bayern Munich in Germany.

Germany might be the San Antonio Spurs of this tournament, quietly taking care of business and people kind of forget about them between games. The United States will play them soon, and there are many connections between the two. Our coach is a former German team star. Several of our players are dual American/German citizens, because their fathers were military guys stationed overseas. Those players had their choice of which country they wanted to play for; once they take the field for one country or the other, they're "tied" to that country for the rest of their career. John Brooks, who scored America's winner against Ghana, was one of these dual-citizen players. He was not officially tied to the United States until he took the field on Monday, but he's ours now!

Mexico looks pretty good, but they were a "bubble" team; they had to do a weird playoff against New Zealand to qualify. Their goalie Ochoa was like an X-Man in the zero-zero tie with Brazil this week (and he's currently between teams, so it must be a fun week to be his agent). That was the game where people started whispering, "I understand why ties can be cool."

No European team has ever won the World Cup in South America. Brazil has never won the World Cup at home, and they're dealing with a lot of personal baggage. Chile looked really, really strong, and Argentina has arguably the best player in the world, Lionel Messi (yes, pronounced messy). In conclusion, I know embarrassingly little about the teams from Africa and Asia. I am ashamed.

PLAYERS

The subject of "best player in the world" breaks down to a sort of "Manning vs Brady" argument, with Lionel Messi playing the role of Manning and Cristiano Ronaldo, for Portugal, playing the role of Brady. The United States will play against Portugal on Sunday, and there have been rumors all week about Ronaldo having a bad knee. But, being arguably the best in the world, he'll have to be comatose to not be on the field. Oh, and if he scores, he might un-shirt himself.

Those who taught me soccer, Roger Bennett and Michael Davies, believe Uruguay's star Luis Suarez looks like Anne Hathaway. Italy's Mario Balotelli, who scored the game winner against England last weekend, is probably best known for blowing up his own bathroom with fireworks on the eve of a big game, then wearing a t-shirt that read, "Why Always Me?" (Note: I enjoy Balotelli; he makes me happy). Belgium's team is just filthy with big-named players and they've long been thought to be a dark horse contender (if you want to sound like you know what you're talking about, tell your friends you predict either Belgium or Chile to win it all). The English team has some fun characters, too (Note: Wayne Rooney looks like Shrek), but we have to get on to more important stuff. Just know, generally speaking, that teams tend to give the symbolic number "10" to their star guy, and the captain, their team leader, will wear an armband.

THE AMERICANS!

So why isn't Landon Donovan on this team? I don't know, but I've heard several theories. He's getting older and kind of broken down (by his own admission). He's still playing well for his team, the LA Galaxy, but by Team USA standards he's probably a guy who would come off the bench, and thus might have been a distraction ("Why isn't he starting!?"). By not having him there, it may have been just one less thing to worry about. Or, he and Coach Klinsmann might just passive aggressively not get along. If you listened to Landon's quotes leading up to the selection, you kind of got the idea that he was prepared to not be on the team; it's possible he was just worn down. But anywho.

Team USA has had a few different "number 10" guys over the years. Sometimes Landon wore it. Sometimes it was Clint Dempsey (the guy who scored the goal in the first 30 seconds against Ghana then got his nose broken). Now Clint is our captain (so some people are hoping he'll wear a Captain America mask to protect his broken face), and he's arguably our best goal scorer. Our best player is probably our goalie, Tim Howard, who plays for Everton in the English Premier League; he used to play at Manchester United when Portugal's Ronaldo was there. They were TEAMMATES! Now, our number "10" is actually a new guy, Mix Diskerud (the coolest name on the roster); he tends to be the first guy off the bench, when injuries don't dictate otherwise. I adore him.

The guy who needs to have a HUGE game against Portugal is Michael Bradley (the bald guy who never smiles). His dad used to be Team USA's coach; he was fired after the last world cup, and that's when Klinsmann took over. Bradley is really good; the people who know things say that he could easily play in any league in the world, but he recently chose to come to MLS (he plays for Toronto). A lot of our guys have been coming back to the home league lately.

Against Ghana we lost the one guy we couldn't really afford to lose: Jozy Altidore. He's supposed to be our biggest scorer; none of the other guys play the way he plays (no, not even Landon, they don't even play the same position). Rumor has it that his injury isn't as bad as they originally thought, but he's not playing against Portugal. So who will replace him? Either Aron Johannsson (a kid who was born in Alabama but grew up in Iceland) or Chris Wondolowski (a late-blooming player of Native American heritage). Aron came on for Jozy against Ghana, and it was a little symbolic, since they played together for awhile in the Dutch league, before Jozy moved to Sunderland in England. I'm kind of feeling Wondo against Portugal. I can't explain why, just a feeling.

Team USA has a lot of interesting, likable characters on it (see also, Kyle Beckerman), and you can see them all introduce themselves here in little 90 second videos. Highly recommend.

SUPERBOWL CHEATSHEET: Mannings Take Manhattan (or at Least New Jersey)

Don't like sports? Forced to attend a seven hour Super Bowl party with people paying varying levels of attention to each other? You've come to the right place. Here are some trivia bullets to get you through the evening, and maybe even help you accidentally enjoy yourself. I mean, the Chili Peppers are doing halftime, and then auctioning off their special drum kit to benefit Make-A-Wish! Improve your attitude!


THE VENUE

• MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey (basically New York City)
• New stadium, opened spring of 2010
• Shared home of the New York Giants and New York Jets (only two teams in the league that share a stadium)
• It includes a total of four locker rooms: one for the Giants, one for the Jets and two for visiting teams.
• Between the two NFL teams, concerts, and special events, the stadium was named the top grossing stadium in the world
• Capacity: 82,500 (90,000 for non-football major events)
• The first open-air stadium in a cold-weather U.S. city to host the Super Bowl.
• Before the Jets and Giants agreed to collaborate on this new stadium, the Jets originally planned to build a new stadium on the west side of Manhattan as part of New York City's 2012 Olympic bid.

THE TEAMS

Seattle Seahawks

• Team founded in 1976.
• Seattle held a ‘civic suggestion campaign’ to name team; there were more than 20,000 entries (but only about 1,700 unique names).
• Original team owner died of a heart attack before the team played its first game.
• Seahawks were added as an expansion team to the NFC, switched to the AFC after one year, then switched back to the NFC again in 2002. During their AFC years, the Seahawks were in the same division as the Broncos (with the Chargers, Chiefs, and Raiders) and played each other twice every season.
• Seattle is the only team that has switched conferences.
• Seattle’s stadium was specifically engineered to be the loudest (open air) stadium in the NFL; December 2013 they broke the ‘crowd noise’ record in the Guinness Book of World Records. During a playoff game touchdown run in 2011, the crowd got so loud that it registered as an earthquake on a nearby seismograph.
• The Seahawks refer to their very loud, very enthusiastic crowd as “The 12th Man” and raise a flag in their honor in their stadium before every home game.
• They share their loud, rowdy stadium with Seattle’s MLS soccer team (the Sounders).
• The Seahawks lost to the Pittsburgh Steelers in the 2005 Super Bowl. That was their only prior Super Bowl appearance.
• Coach Pete Carroll (age 62) coached at powerhouse University of Southern California (USC) from 2000-2009, where he won multiple championships (and then kinda fled in the midst of an NCAA investigation). He also chews a lot of gum.
• Marshawn Lynch (age 27, #24) was the guy running when the Seahawks fans registered their “earthquake” – now they refer to him as “Beast Mode.” When he was a kid, his mom would give him “power pellets” (Skittles candy). In 2011, fans noticed a trainer giving him Skittles to celebrate a touchdown, and now when he scores, fans give him “rainbow showers” (throw candy at him) in the endzone. Skittles produced limited edition “Seattle Mix” candy in Seahawk colors for Super Bowl week. ESPN did a “Sports Science” experiment to see how Skittles actually affect his performance.
• Defensive player Richard Sherman (age 25, #25) grew up in Compton, California, graduated from Stanford University with a degree in Communications and has begun graduate studies there, as well. He has the reputation for being very articulate, but also rather mouthy. He once tweeted a picture of himself talking to Tom Brady after the Seahawks beat the Patriots with the caption: “U mad bro?” Whatever, I laughed.
• Quarterback Russell Wilson (age 25, #3) has been drafted by both major league baseball and the NFL (if he played baseball, he’d be with the Texas Rangers). He won the inaugural Big Ten Championship game with the Wisconsin Badgers in 2011. The Seahawks drafted him as a backup in 2012, but he won the starting job before the season even started. Experts said he was too short to play quarterback in the NFL (he’s 5’11”). He often posts Bible verses on Twitter (@DangeRussWilson) and includes Matthew 6:33 in his Twitter bio.

Denver Broncos

• Team founded in 1960, never moved to or from any other city.
• Founded by Bob Howsam, who owned a minor league baseball team. He built his baseball stadium too big (34,000 seater), and needed more revenue to survive the deep debt that resulted. Thus, he started a football team.
• Howsam had a “name the team” contest, which resulted in the name “Broncos.”
• During its first season, the team was so financially strapped that the players wore used uniforms featuring hilariously hideous vertically-striped socks. Two years later, the new head coach’s first order of business was to hold a public sock burning ceremony to usher in a new era.
• Played in six (6) Super Bowls and won two (2) in 1997 & 1998, both with quarterback John Elway (now the Broncos’ Executive Vice President of Football Operations). The 1998 Super Bowl was Elway’s final game.
• Players tend to celebrate touchdowns by giving the ‘Mile High Salute’ – a military-style gesture given to fans and teammates originally popularized by former Bronco Terrell Davis in the late 1990s.
• The Broncos nearly made it to the Super Bowl with quarterback Jake Plummer in 2006, when they lost to the Steelers in the AFC Championship game. A few months later, they drafted Jay Cutler.
• Obligatory Tebowmania bullet: remember the 80 yard touchdown in overtime against the Steelers in the 2011 playoffs? The receiver who caught that Tebow throw (Demaryius Thomas, #88) is still on the team!
• Earlier this season coach John Fox was hospitalized with heart problems that resulted in aortic heart valve replacement surgery. He was back with the team about a month later and now says he’s never felt better.
• Receiver Wes Welker (#83) played in two Super Bowls with the New England Patriots (lost both).
• Defender Champ Bailey (age 35, #24) has been a Bronco (and fan favorite) for 10 years; this is his first Super Bowl. His real first name is Roland. His younger brother Boss Bailey played for the Detroit Lions.
• December 2013, kicker Matt Prater broke the record for longest field goal in NFL history (64 yards), though some argue he had an advantage, kicking in Denver’s thin, mile-high air.
• When the Broncos score at home, a white horse (and rider) runs the length of the field in celebration. This real life bronco was born with the name ‘Winter Solstice’ but took the name ‘Thunder’ (the traditional name of the Bronco’s mascot). Thunder trained extensively for the job to get used to the lines on the field. He also leads the team out of the tunnel at the beginning of games.

The Peyton Manning Stuff
(Note: This cheatsheet was created by a crazed Indianapolis Colts fan, NOT an impartial observer. If you want bias-free trivia, ask someone else. Also, the Colts beat BOTH of these teams during the regular season.)

• Born March 24, 1976 (37 years old) in New Orleans.
• His father Archie was the quarterback for the New Orleans Saints from 1971-1982.
• His brother Eli (33 years old) is the adorable quarterback of the New York Giants.
• Eli heroically won the Super Bowl in Indianapolis during Peyton’s tragic last year with the Colts; now Peyton has the chance to triumph in Eli’s stadium as well.
• Peyton and Eli’s older brother Cooper (39 years old) was on track to be a pro-caliber receiver, but was forced to quit football in college due to a spine condition. Now he’s a partner at a lucrative energy investment firm. I love him.
• Peyton married his gorgeous but spotlight-avoiding wife Ashley in 2001. They have two perfect children (~3 year old twins, a boy named Marshall and a girl named Mosley). I'm so glad we got Marshall into a Colts jersey at least once in his beautiful little life.
• Peyton was drafted by the Indianapolis Colts in 1998 (first overall pick) and signed with Denver in 2012.
• There is a hospital in Indianapolis is named Peyton Manning Children’s Hospital.
• Peyton missed the entire 2011 season after a messed up disk in his neck caused nerve damage that resulted in numbness and weakness in his throwing arm. After four neck surgeries and a full year of rehabilitation, the Colts released Peyton (and most of their other players and coaches). Because he was released and not traded, Peyton was able to choose which team he wanted to play for. After visiting a few teams, he chose Denver.
• Between Peyton and Eli, the Manning family has played in five of the last eight Super Bowls; Eli won both of his; Peyton has won one and lost one so far.
• Papa Archie never made the playoffs but is still a winner.

For the first time in many years, I'll actually be attending a Super Bowl party - for the first half. I'll be watching the second half from an undisclosed location because if Peyton wins, I don't want to cry in public.

OLYMPICS CHEATSHEET 2014 - Embracing Your Xgames Side

The following is a preview of the 2014 Sochi Olympics that I put together with Beth Pond, author of PODIUM FINISH, a young adult novel detailing the Olympic journey of two friends: one a figure skater, the other a hockey player. I have read it, and I thoroughly enjoyed it, especially refreshing to see dual points of view structure used for friends instead of resigning it to love interests. Ms. Pond specializes in girl-power sporty books (I've read 2.5 by her now), and she has some great insights into how we build identity through our successes and those times we fall short. I have a feeling we'll be hearing a lot from her in the future.

And now, a sport-by-sport breakdown of your 2014 Winter Olympics!

BIATHLON
The one where they ski and then they shoot! Here's a story of one athlete giving up her spot on the Olympic team so that her twin sister could go instead. New medal opportunity this year: The Mixed Relay, where men and women will compete together as a four person team.

BOBSLEIGH
One story I'll definitely be watching is Lolo Jones and Lauryn Williams, track stars turned bob sledders. Lolo and Lauryn are set to become only the ninth and tenth Americans to compete in both the summer and winter games. Lolo might have the more memorable name, but Lauryn’s the more decorated; she already has a silver medal from Athens and a gold medal from London.

CURLING
This..

FIGURE SKATING
The Ringers: USA Figure Skating’s best (and arguably only) chance at making the podium in Sochi lies with ice dancing duo Meryl Davis and Charlie White, the reigning world champions, who took home a silver in Vancouver. The gold went to Canadians Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir. Sochi will likely prove to be an enticing rematch. Davis and White are consistent and incredibly patient. Their “Scheherazade” program has been in their back pocket for the past two years, just waiting for this Olympics. If they win, they'll be the first Americans ever to win Olympic gold in ice dancing.

The Ladies: Gracie Gold won, you guessed it, gold at the Olympic trials. It was her first US title. Newcomer Polina Edmunds, who has never competed internationally at the senior level, came in second. Ashley Wagner, who has done well in past seasons, had a disappointing performance—two falls—and finished fifth. However, she was chosen for the third Olympic spot because of her experience.

It seems controversial, naming Wagner (though she does fit the profile of ice darling, especially now that she has a potential comeback story). But giving her the spot meant that the actual third place finisher, Mirai Nagasu, gets left at home (that video is of her exhibition performance right after she learned Wagner was chosen for the Olympic team instead of her; Grantland explored some of the reasons behind the decision here). But what’s USA Ladies figure skating without a little homemade drama?

The New Team: The Figure Skating Team competition is brand new this year. Each country competing will submit one entry for each discipline – women’s, men’s, pair’s, and ice dancing – so a total of six people on each team. I’m IRRATIONALLY excited about this, and it starts right away on Feb. 6th! Obviously, we’ll have Davis and White, and probably from the women’s side we’ll send Gracie Gold? But then what?

The Men: We have two men’s competitors to choose from. The favorite is probably Jeremy Abbott, a guy who is on the brink of retiring from competition but strikes me as a bit flaky (he was almost disqualified from the Olympic qualifying event because he was skating around the ice instead of taking his starting position – he only got it together because the audience started screaming out the count down like a student section at a basketball game!).

Our other option is a nineteen-year-old, Jason Brown, who apparently has less technical ability than Abbott, but the audiences ADORE him. He did a Riverdance thing that earned him a standing ovation before the program was even over.

The Pairs: Some interesting characters here. There’s Castelli and Shnapir, who owned Boston (their hometown) during the qualifiers. I enjoyed them for several reasons, not the least of which is that he is SIXTEEN (16) inches taller than her, and one of their routines is James Bond inspired! And then there’s Zhang and Bartholomay, who did a nifty “Les Mis” routine, with Zhang pumping her fists ("If she could have high-fived someone right there, she would have!") on the last lift, knowing that they’d just thrown down the performance of a lifetime. Both won me over, lots of personality.

The Dancers: The TV broadcasters for the US Championships said that we are LOADED at Ice Dancer this year. In addition to Davis and White, Team USA is sending two other promising ice dancing pairs: Chock and Bates (Les Mis is hot in skating this year, and the dancers get to use music with lyrics), and the Shibutani siblings (Michael Jackson!).

Team USA definitely has some talent. The US and Russia have always had strong skaters, but we’ve seen much more competition from Japan and Korea in the past two Olympics. It's certainly a likable bunch that will give us a lot to talk about.

HOCKEY
I'm pretty stupid about hockey, except that I know there are ten (10) Chicago Blackhawks competing for five (5) different countries. I'll let Pond handle this one on her own (I like to call her "Pond" because it's very Whovian):

Let's talk hockey! After earning the silver in 2010, USA Women’s Hockey is poised to take on Team Canada in the gold medal round yet again. Team Canada has won gold at the past three Olympics, but Team USA’s 21 player roster, which includes 11 Olympic veterans, has a strong chance at disrupting this winning streak. If they do, this will be the first time Team USA has claimed the top spot on the podium since the 1998 Nagano Olympics, the first time women’s hockey was part of the Olympic program. Standout players on Team USA’s roster include: Julie Chu, Jessie Vetter, Megan Duggan, and Gigi Marvin.

Consider hockey veteran Julie Chu (in her 4th Olympics) a potential candidate to carry the American flag into the opening ceremonies.

LUGE/SKELETON
Sliding really fast down hill! Luge = feet first, Skeleton = face first.

Luge is another sport pioneering a new team concept this Olympics. With several of these new Olympic events, there seems to be an emphasis on adding a team dymanic to sports that have historically been highly individualized - and on getting men and women competing together in these events, as well. This setup gives athletes an opportunity to work together as a team, and it also means more chances for more medals. Curious to see how these new events will be received, but love that they're giving it a try.

SKIING
Take it Pond!

The Ladies: With Lindsey Vonn sitting out these Games to recover from knee surgery, Team USA will be looking to Olympic veteran Julia Mancuso and 18-year-old up-and-comer Mikaela Shiffrin to makes their mark on the slopes for the good ol' red, white, and blue. It’s definitely disappointing that Vonn won’t be competing, but hopefully she’ll have a speedy recovery.

Some other women to keep an eye on: six-time National Champion aerialist Emily Cook had a strong 2013 season and is definitely one to root for in Sochi, her third Olympic games. Also, New Hampshire native and reigning Olympic gold medalist Hannah Kearney will hopefully clinch a second gold in Sochi. Since the Vancouver Olympics, Kearney has won 32 World Cup moguls races.

The Men: The infamous Bode Miller is back and supposedly leaner than ever. Also expect to see some great runs from Ted Ligety, the 2006 Olympic combined champion, who is a favorite to medal in the slalom this year.

SPEED SKATING
The Ladies: Once again, I'm out of my depths (and speed skating is her favorite), so I turn the floor over completely to Pond:

One person I’d watch is 30-year-old Michigan Native, Jessica Smith. After finishing in 6th at the 2010 Olympic Trials, one spot away from qualifying for the Olympic team, she dominated the 2014 Olympic trials, claiming first place finishes and Olympic berths in all three short track distances. She was “fire on ice” at the Olympic Trials, and I really hope she finds success in Sochi.

Right behind her is teammate Emily Scott, who gained national attention in 2013 after a USA Today story reported that the athlete had filed for food stamps. Thanks to crowdfunding, Scott raised over $48,000 to date and was able to quit her part-time job in order to focus solely on preparing for the Olympics. I think Scott, Smith, and the third member of Team USA women’s short track 2010 Olympian Aly Dudek, are all on track to shine at these games. US Speedskating was recently rocked by a coaching scandal that left the athletes very divided, but I don’t think these three women have ever skated better.

The Men: Look for strong individual performances from two-time bronze medalist J.R. Celski and first-time Olympian Eddy Alvarez. The men won silver in the relay in 2010. Whether or not they will be able to repeat this remains to be seen, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed. I think they have what it takes to make it onto the podium. One thing is certain though: Team USA’s biggest competition in the relay will come from the Canadians and the Koreans.

Note: Look for Apolo Ohno in the commentator's booth.

THE XGAMES STUFF
This year the Winter Olympics have fully embraced their innate Xgames element with several new events. Xgames athletes are awesome; you get the impression they’re always rooting for each other to do something cool. Makes for an awesome atmosphere. Check out the new Xgames additions: ski slopestyle, ski halfpipe, and even MORE snowboarding events.

For snowboarding we’ll likely be seeing a lot of familiar faces shredding in Sochi. Shaun White clinched an Olympic berth in the Men’s Snowboard Slopestyle. On the women’s side 2002 gold medalist Kelly Clark, punched her ticket to Sochi with her recent Grand Prix win.

And for the first time, they’re adding women’s ski jumping, pioneered by American Lindsey Van.

Bode Merrill is not Bode Miller & Lindsey Van is not Lindsey Vonn. #WinterSportsTutorial

— Bethany Robison (@BethanyRobison) January 24, 2014

You can find a full schedule of events from NBC here.
A million thanks to Beth Pond for her insight and expertise. Check out her new novel PODIUM FINISH, and go Team USA!

CHEATSHEET: Football is Somehow Almost Over

You're not a sports fan? That's cool, you've come to the right place. We'll give you just enough information to survive a playoff party, decide who to cheer for, when to be excited, and when to be outraged. Really, that's all we need to know in any given life situation.

The Super Bowl is Sunday, Feb 2, 2014.
The halftime show is locked in (Bruno Mars - and the CHILI PEPPERS!!!).
The location is set (New York City - er, at least the New Jersey-exposed-to-the-winter-elements section of it).

All we need now are the teams (much like a girl in her twenties who has her dream wedding all planned and just needs a willing guy).

But ENOUGH parentheticals! Cue the dating-game music and let's meet our championship contenders!

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

There baaack! The Super Bowl Losers' Curse cannot touch Captain-Coach Jim Harbaugh. My feelings for Jim Harbaugh are well documented in this space. He had a super-human season for my Indianapolis Colts during my impressionable youth. In fact, this year's playoffs QBs span about 20 years of my life (Jim Harbaugh circa 1994 took us to Peyton Manning in 1998 took us to Andrew Luck in the now). And, of course, Harbaugh was Andrew Luck's coach at Stanford. Everything comes full circle. YAY!

Every time I turn on my TV, I see Colin Kaepernick's beats. They're playing the hell out of that commercial, and with good reason, as it shows cold-as-ice Kaep getting off the bus surrounded by an angry Seattle-colored mob, which might be exactly what happens this weekend (tho, I always assumed Seattle people were too chill to mob?). Kaep is one of the league's rising stars, though some might say he's regressed this season (he was my fantasy QB, and I did indeed bench him one or twice in favor of Alex Smith for cripes sake). But it's hard to argue with him making the final four twice in two attempts. We should all be so regressive.

By the way - sometime in the 1990s THIS APPARENTLY HAPPENED(?!?)

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

Russell Wilson has been in the NFL for two seasons now, and he's five-feet-ten of adorable. Spent some college minutes as a Wisconsin Badger, got drafted by the Texas Rangers baseball team, but entered the NFL draft as something of a long-shot (given his shortness). He lists one of his key NFL heroes as Drew Brees (another "short" quarterback), which makes him alright in my book. He was drafted by the Seahawks last year to backup high-dollar free-agent Matt Flynn - and then won the starting job outright before the season even started. Vintage Disney stuff. And here he is, one game away from the Super Bowl.

Defensive player Richard Sherman is one of the approximately two million Stanford players in the NFL at the moment. Harbaugh was his coach, but now...

Coach Pete Carroll was an NFL failure. He coached the New England Patriots several years ago, such that Sports Guy Bill Simmons nicknamed him "Coach Fredo" (GODFATHER joke). Pete went to USC, reinvented himself as a perennial winner, started a blood feud with Jim Harbaugh when they were both coaching college teams, and then fled NCAA allegations by accepting the job in Seattle (where his team has since enjoyed a series of drug test suspensions). Word on the street is that Coach Pete and Captain Harbaugh truly despise each other - which makes this game (the THIRD time these teams have played this season) all the more fun.

Substance allegations aside, I adore watching the Seahawks. I like how their brightly colored uniforms look in the rain. I like the silhouette and noise level of their stadium (which doubles as a soccer stadium that ALWAYS sells out). Seattle has some of the BEST sports fans in the world. If it were up to me, they'd be hosting an Olympics immediately.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

Hello, nemesis. Tom Brady is one game away from the Super Bowl AGAIN. For the SIXTH (6th) time. He's married to the highest paid super model in the world. His house in California has a mote. He does ads for Uggs. There is nothing new here.

Except that, due to injuries and incarcerations, the Patriots are now a running team instead of a throwing team. That sneaked up on people. And it seems as though the league now goes out of its way to make him look hilarious. There are some truly amazing Tom Brady GIFs out there. (Note: As I was drafting this post, news broke that Tommy missed practice because he was sickly. Now I feel terrible, hope it wasn't something contagious that will spread to the entire team...?)

Don't forget about the Belichick - the Hoodie - the evil genius behind it all. Remember the hoodie code: When he wears the blue one, he's vulnerable. The red one, and the Pats have basically already lost. But the gray one - in the gray one he's damn near invincible. With all the stats people out there, I do NOT understand why this is even an issue, but he busted the blue hoodie out for the Colts last weekend. Or perhaps it was just hubris (yeah, Coach Chuck, I'll beat you even with the BLUE hoodie!).

I hate the Patriots in that way that I want them to lose, but I don't want them to go away forever. Ours is a Megamind/MetroMan relationship. When Brady/Belichick ceases to be a thing, I'll be nostalgic. I've missed a lot of games this season, and struggled to get into the story lines. We took a long vacation to foreign places, we sold our house, did a lot of apartment hunting, etc. I feel like I BARELY know what's going on. The end of the Manning/Brady era is coming, and I want to soak all the goodness out of it, but...

DENVER BRONCOS

As I said in the beginning, my alliances are well documented, and I'm a Peyton girl through and through. I care too much. I've spent all week building a pillow fort behind my couch from which to watch this game. Just thinking about it makes me feel like this.

SUMMARY

New England Patriots at Denver Broncos
Sunday, January 19th - 3pm EST (CBS)

San Francisco 49ers at Seattle Seahawks
Sunday, January 19th - 6:30pm EST (FOX)

Winners meet in the Super Bowl
Sunday, February 2nd - ~6pm EST (FOX)

The Greatest Compliment Peyton Manning Ever Received

Colts 39, Broncos 33.

This game was about the relationship between a player and a city. It was more of a ceremony than a game, one the fanbase sorely needed. We needed this chance to say thank you. We needed Peyton Manning to know how much we love him.
And the love radiated.
Peyton came home to the stadium he built in the city he redefined. The site where his brother won a Super Bowl during the season he missed. He played in front of an incredibly intelligent crowd - one he trained himself.
And the Indianapolis Colts - the team and the fans - gave him the best of our best.
For the first time EVER, Indy fans unleashed a wall of noise while Peyton possessed the ball - and the TV cameras were smart enough to zoom in on the crowd during that first snap to show how the crowd RELISHED that opportunity. The fans seemed to be saying, "Look! We remember what you taught us. You made us what we are. We want you to be proud."
It felt like a playoff game - the team, the crowd, everyone giving their best for the best.
Obviously, tonight Peyton would have preferred to leave with a win - but in the long run, hopefully he'll appreciate the legacy he left behind. When he came here, the Indianapolis Colts were perennial losers with TV blackouts. Over the course of fourteen years, he literally wrecked his neck dragging us out of the muck. Tonight, we got to show him that we're good stewards of all he gave us. We didn't fall apart, we didn't roll over. He made us better, and we won't forget. We gave him all we had and rose to the occasion.
What better compliment could we give?
He deserves nothing less than our best.

CHEATSHEET: Preparing for the English Premier League Invasion - Part 2

English Premier League play begins on NBC this Saturday (August 17). Twenty teams will start the season. Thirty-eight games later, three will be relegated out of the league, four will qualify for the Champions League tournament to crown the best team in Europe, and one will lift the first place trophy.

Meet your cast of characters: [cue the Dating Game theme]

THE CONTENDERS

1. Manchester United
Overview: Probably the most recognizable soccer "brand" in America, Manchester United is known for winning everything. A lot of people compare them to the old school New York Yankees, throwing money around high-dollar stars, but they don't hold the monopoly on that market anymore (see: Chelsea, Manchester City, the nation of Spain). By the way, just as a reminder, ManU is owned by the same people who own the Tampa Bay Bucs. I'm surprised every time I remember that because these things are not overly similar. ManU is fun to root against, but I struggle to see them as pure evil, especially since I watched the BBC movie UNITED on streaming NetFlix, about how the team was nearly destroyed by a plane crash in the 1950s. This movie stars David Tennant as the coach who kept the team going, so Doctor Who fans, stream away!
Notable Players: Wayne Rooney, Robin van Persie, Javier Hernandez (known as 'Chicharito')
Color: Devil Red.

2. Manchester City
Overview: A hard luck team recently acquired by a very rich owner (as Roger Bennett would say, 'Oil money solves a lot of problems'). They stole the 2012 title from their arch rivals (ManU) on THE LAST KICK OF THE SEASON after spending decades living the Chicago Cubs experience, and then their fans stormed the field NCAA-style. What else do you need to know? Well, you could say that they took a rather Miami Heat mercenary approach to getting it done. But I don't judge.
Notable Players: Joe Hart, David Silva, Sergio Aguero.
Color: North Carolina Tar Heel Blue

3. Chelsea
Overview: I like to think of Chelsea as the LA Lakers. They're a fashionable team in a fashionable area of London, and they just seem to find a way to stay in the conversation. They have a coach who's back for his second term with the club (Phil Jackson style) - and this coach even invented his own nickname: The Special One. Chelsea is another team with an extremely rich owner (any time you get the chance to type the words 'Russian oligarch' you HAVE to do it). He's owned the team for 10 years, Jerry Jones style, hiring a new manager more or less every season (I've been following EPL for two years and have already seen four different guys in charge).
Notable Players: All of the players. Just all of them.
My favorite player: Fernando Torres, known in my household as the Iberian god of sadness. So talented, so shy and unassuming, so perpetually sad.
Color: Blue - like Indianapolis Colts blue.

4. Arsenal
Overview: I hate Arsenal. I can't even explain how it started, but the more time I spend studying them, the more they reminded me of the New York Knicks. Very passionate fans, proud tradition. They have a grumpy old French coach who wears a puffy coat (NBC keeps showing a clip of him struggling to zip the zipper and it still hasn't lost its funny). Their team logo is a cannon. As much as I hate to admit it, that's pretty badass. There was a time when Arsenal went on a 49 game win streak and earned the nickname the Invincibles. They have a bitter rivalry with their London neighbors Tottenham Hotspur that dates back 100 years. If you're bookish by nature, pick up FEVER PITCH by Nicholas Hornby, a delightful read about his experiences growing up with Arsenal (and a lot of poignant observations about sports fanhood in general).
Notable Players: A lot of people who transferred to Manchester United, and a lot of people who will soon transfer to Manchester United, assuming ManU wants them.
Color: Chicago Bulls Red.

5. Tottenham Hotspur
Overview: The Spurs are my team of choice. I tried to avoid it, but the gravitational pull was too strong. They're a London team, but they don't strike me as fancy (when compared to Arsenal or Chelsea). Their manager is Andre Villas Boas (AVB), a rather good looking Portuguese man who is only about 35 years old. (Note: there seem to be a lot of very attractive people in European futball.) NBC has been promoting the living daylights out of their upcoming soccer coverage, including a 30-min special with short introductions to each team. I can't find a link to a video right now, but it taught me that Tottenham gets its name from a royal knight that later became a character in a Shakespeare play (very classy). I did find a link to an NBC video thing comparing my Spurs as the Knicks. This makes me furious. Also, they've been showing this a lot.
Notable Players: Gareth Bale (please Lord, let him stay; he's phenomenally good and he looks like Schmidt from New Girl), and until recently American team captain Clint Dempsey, who just accepted a gig in Seattle.
Color: Lily White

6. Everton
Overview: I wanted to be an Everton fan. Really, I did, and they still have a special place in my heart. They're a "moneyball" type of team that always seems greater than the sum of their parts. Founded in 1878, they have NEVER been relegated out of the top league. But, the plot thickens: their long-time manager just accepted a job with Manchester United, ushering in a new era that has yet to be defined (and possibly a new rivalry?). Everton is located in the city of Liverpool, home to the Beatles and also their arch rival, Liverpool Football Club. Everton and Liverpool's stadiums are about one mile apart, separated only by a park.
Notable Players: American goalie Tim Howard, Marouane Fellaini (the one with the big, curly hair).
Color: Another team wearing Indianapolis Colts Blue.

7. Liverpool
Overview: Much like ManU, they're team with a proud tradition that's really fun to hate (they were ManU before ManU was ManU). Take every Boston area team (the Patriots, the Red Sox, the Celtics, the Bruins) and squish them together - because Liverpool is owned by the same group who owns the Red Sox, and thus seem to carry a similar vibe. Last season, they starred in a "Hard Knocks" type reality show called Being Liverpool, which featured a scene showing the baseball and soccer players in a very awkward interaction facilitated by former Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine. I wish I could find a YouTube clip of this, because trust me, it was scrumptious. Liverpool used to win everything, but lately, I've rather enjoyed watching them finish 6th or 7th. They have an amazing fanbase, who are best known for belting out their team anthem: You'll Never Walk Alone.
Notable Players: Luis Suarez (who has been in trouble more than once for biting other players), Steven Gerrard, long time player for Team England.
Color: Red Sox Red.

MID-TABLE

8. West Brom
Overview: "West Brom" is short for West Bromwich Albion. To be honest, I don't know a lot about them. I think they may be the best of the middle, like an NFL team that finishes 8-8 every year. They're nicknamed 'The Baggies' and they have a trademark celebration in which they BOING BOING (it reminds me of the Wisconsin Badgers "Jump Around" thing).
Color: Blue and white stripes.

9. Swansea City
Overview: I'm fond of the Swans, the first Welsh team to play in the English Premier League (note, Wales has its own league, but some Welsh teams choose to play in the English leagues instead). For the first time in history, both Swansea and their bitter Welsh rival, Cardiff, are in the Premier League. They're a team on the rise, one I'm looking forward to seeing more of.
Notable Players: Michu (winning at most adorable name), Michel Vorm
Color: White and black

10. West Ham
Overview: West Ham, known as The Hammers, is an east London team in the process of moving in to the Olympic Stadium (where Paul McCartney led the world in a Hey Jude sing-along in 2012). Their anthem is 'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles' and the fans actually blow bubbles all over the place as part of their celebrations. It's worth tuning in just for that; the bubbles look pretty awesome in HD. Back in the 1960's, West Ham was home to many of Team England's best players. Lately, however, the Hammers have been rebuilding. They were promoted to the Premier League in 2012 and enjoyed a pretty solid first season back.
Notable Players: Andy Carroll (the big dude with the long hair)
Color: Sort of a red wine with sky blue sleeves.

11. Norwich City
Overview: Norwich is another team I'm still getting acquainted with. They were promoted very quickly (in successive seasons, I believe) - like an entire baseball team going from Double-A to Major League in two years. They've got a distinct look and flavor, but I don't think I've ever seen them play. It's something I'm looking forward to this fall.
Notable Players: I'm not familiar with his work, but they have a forward on their roster named Ricky van Wolfswinkel. I need to know more.
Color: Bright green and yellow, sort of a Brazilian vibe.

12. Fulham
Overview: I'm not sure why Fulham isn't more popular. Their stadium is RIGHT on the Thames in London, a stone's throw from Chelsea. Until recently, they were owned by the guy who owns Harrod's department store (famous for being able to get ANYTHING). A few months ago, the new owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars bought up Fulham (and keep in mind, the Jags also signed a multi-year deal to play games in London for the next several seasons). Could there be some sort of Fulham/Jax cross-promotional efforts in the works? I kind of hope so. Also, they have a rather famous Michael Jackson statue outside their stadium. Even before they had an American owner, Fulham seemed to be one of the more American friendly teams. Team USA Captain Clint Dempsey was one of the top goal scorer's in the league his last year there.
Color: White and black

13. Stoke City
Overview: I like Stoke, if for no other reason than "STOKE" is s strong name for a team. They keep bringing in American players (which is kind of unusual in Europe). Regular listeners to Grantland's Men in Blazers know Stoke as the home of "Quarterback Style" - a hilarious reference made by a British TV commentator, when he described how American Geoff Cameron did throw-ins. It's kind of hard to explain, but the point is this: when Geoff Cameron does something good, it's fun the shout QUARTERBACK STYLE at your television. By the way, JK Rowling fans, Stoke City's known as the "Potters".
Notable Players: Team USA's own Geoff Cameron, Brek Shea, and Maurice Edu. Also the very tall Peter Crouch.
Color: Red and white stripes

THE UNDERDOGS (aka The Relegation Zone)

14. Southampton
Overview: Southampton is probably best known for being the port from which the Titanic sailed. The soccer team is nicknamed the Saints, and their anthem is 'When the Saints Go Marching In,' so New Orleans fans, take notice.
Notable Players: Rickie Lambert!
Color: Red

15. Aston Villa
Overview: Villa is a team with a proud tradition who seem to have under-achieved lately. They're from the Midlands of England (Birmingham, birthplace of Top Gear's Richard Hammond), and until recently they were owned by the same guy as the Cleveland Browns (these things may be a bit similar - seeing as how both teams were QUITE respectable a few decades ago).
Notable Players: American Goalie Brad Guzan, Christian Benteke
Color: Wine and blue, distressingly similar to West Ham's.

16. Newcastle
Overview: Newcastle, known as the magpies, basically looks like an entire team of NFL referees running around the field. Two years ago, they were flirting with the Champions League. Last year, they barely escaped getting relegated. ANYTHING could happen!
Notable Players: Basically everyone from France
Color: Black and white stripes

17. Sunderland
Overview: The only thing I know about this team is that they just acquired America's Jozy Altidore. Please excuse me while I consult Google: Their home field is called "The Stadium of Light" (excellent name); they're located somewhere near their arch rival Newcastle (good, good); they're nicknamed 'The Black Cats' (fits nicely with Newcastle being the Magpies - cat vs bird).
Notable Players: American Jozy Altidore
Color: Red and white stripes

18. Cardiff City
Overview: The other Welsh team, newly promoted to the Premier League! Everything I know about Cardiff I learned from watching Doctor Who (they film the show in Cardiff, therefore they've had several episodes that take place there). They're known as the bluebirds, but their new Malaysian owner decided red was a luckier color. Thus, their uniforms are now red.
Color: Red

19. Hull City
Overview: Some teams are known as 'yo-yo' teams, meaning they're in and out of the Premier League on a fairly regular cycle. Hull is NOT one of these teams. They're known as the tigers (perhaps a match for Bengals fans looking to suffer in a second sport?). They also feature a father and son pairing - Dad Bruce is the manager, Son Bruce is a defender.
Color: Amber and black stripes.

20. Crystal Palace
Overview: The third newly promoted team, Palace is from London. They actually got their ticket to the Premier League after a thrilling playoff that went to overtime in the mother of all venues, Wembley Stadium. After winning what's known as 'The Richest Game in Football' (because of the huge boost in revenue that comes with playing in the Premier League), Palace's coach said: "We're in the Premier League! God help us..."
Color: Half blue/Half red

Take your time, get a feel for what you like. A team is for life! Choose carefully.

CHEATSHEET: Preparing for the English Premier League Invasion - Part 1

On August 1, I took my parents and my husband to watch what amounted to an exhibition soccer match in Lucas Oil Stadium with about 41,000 of our closest friends (including my cousin Katie who provided these pictures - thanks Katie!). We were there to see Chelsea, one of the world's elite soccer teams, all the way from London, dressed in the same blue as everything else in the Colts' stadium. Their worthy opponent: Inter Milan from Italy. One thing was immediately clear: the home crowd LOVED Chelsea. Most of us were there - in Indianapolis - specifically to see them.

Maybe it was the color, maybe it was Chelsea's marketing team successfully drumming up interest here State-side. Either way, brace yourselves sports fans: English soccer is coming.

Close your eyes and think of college football. There are more than 100 Division I teams, but only 25 at a time are 'ranked.' Teams are scattered around the country such that it's hard to find a community without an allegiance.

Now shift your mind to baseball. Players move up and down through Major League, Triple-A, Double-A, and "A." Teams date back to the 1870s/1880s. If you look at a map of the destruction caused by the Great Chicago Fire in 1871, you'll find the 'White Stockings' field nearby.

Now mentally squish these images together. Throw in a dash of NFL physicality (minus the pads) and NBA speed (minus the height). Make the clock count up instead of down, and remove all timeouts and commercial breaks.

You're almost ready for the English Soccer Experience.

* Last year, NBC bought the rights to show 380 English Premier League games. Games start on August 17th and run through spring (long past the end of NFL season). Most of them will be on Saturday and Sunday mornings, and since soccer games can end in ties, you'll always know EXACTLY what time they will end (an underrated perk of being a soccer fan). And just LOOK AT THIS SCHEDULE! Most of the games begin at 10am EST, the perfect time to ease into the day with a cup of hot tea.

* Soccer in England is broken into four levels: The Premier League (20 teams), The Championship (24 teams), Division One (24 teams), and Division Two (24 teams). Kind of like our baseball system, no?

* NBC is televising games between the 20 Premier League teams. They'll play each other twice (home and away), for a 38 game season, roughly one game a week.

* At the end of each season, the bottom three teams in the Premier League are sent down to the Championship, and the top three teams in the Championship take their place. Imagine the Cubs or Royals being sent down to Triple-A (the TEAMS instead of individual PLAYERS) and then having to earn their way back.

* Note that it is specifically the "English" Premier League. England has its own league. So do Scotland, and Spain, and Germany, and several other countries (including America's MLS, which we share with Canada).

* You know how every March, we watch the NCAA basketball tournament, featuring (X) teams from the Big East and (Y) teams from the Big Ten, PAC-howevermany, mid-majors, etc? The best 68 teams from the various conferences compete and typically Duke or Kentucky wins? In soccer, the equivalent is the Champions League - the top four teams from England qualify, the top few from Spain, and Germany, Russia, Turkey, Belgium, France, etc, and they play to crown the best team in Europe.

* Behold, the League Table, which not only tells you who's winning - it tabulates points, wins, losses and so much more. A win is worth three points, tie is worth one, and a loss gives you nothing (kind of like hockey). Points are most important, but goal difference matters. If you CAN run up the score, you probably will.

* Here is a MAP showing where all of this season's English Premier League teams are located. For the first time in league history, two of the teams are in Wales.

* But keep in mind, whenever anyone says "for the first time in league history," the English Premier League as it's currently organized was founded in 1992. This general soccer system has been in place for over 100 years, but the league did some refreshing and rebranding - and it exploded globally as a result.

* Six of the twenty English Premier League Teams are owned by Americans.

• Manchester United is owned by the family who owns the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
• Arsenal is owned by the guy who owns the St Louis Rams, the Denver Nuggets, and Colorado Avs.
• Liverpool is owned by the same people who own the Boston Red Sox.
• The guy who owns Aston Villa until recently was also the owner of the Cleveland Browns.
• Fulham was just purchased by the guy who owns the Jacksonville Jaguars.
• The sixth team is Sunderland, owned by a Dallas businessman.
• And Manchester City sort of just married the New York Yankees.

* Don't have the time to research which of the 20 teams is right for you? There are some cheatsheets available below to help you get started. Just keep in mind that, thanks to promotion and relegation, the league CHANGES EVERY YEAR. This isn't annoying, it's part of the drama - like characters coming and going on Game of Thrones!

You can look here and here and here and here to get started, but I'll post my take on the 20 Premier League teams in part 2. When in doubt, you can always just cheer for the elite American players (for example, goalie Tim Howard plays for Everton, Jozy Altidore just signed with Sunderland, and Stoke City has a couple of Yanks, as well).

* Here is NBC's EPL schedule so you can PLAN. Soccer isn't just coming - it's already here.

My Day at the 2013 Gold Cup Final

On Sunday July 28th, the United States defeated Panama to win the 2013 Gold Cup. What is the Gold Cup? A soccer tournament held in odd-numbered years to crown the best national soccer team in the hemisphere (North America, Central America, and the Caribbean). This year, the final was held in Chicago, so the husband and I hauled our cookies to Soldier Field in the name of Klinsmann and Country.

PREGAME NARRATIVE
The honest to goodness truth is that (at least this year), Team USA did not field its first-tier team for this tournament; players like Clint Dempsey and Tim Howard got to spend the month of July fishing and napping. Instead, Coach Jurgen Klinsmann brought in second team players he wanted to audition for his World Cup campaign next year in Brazil. This was hardly disappointing, since the second team contained the most fascinating narratives going in US soccer this year. For example:

* Landon Donovan - the golden boy of American soccer relegated to the second team after taking voluntary leave of his sport for reasons that have still not fully been explained. Was he simply burned out and exhausted? Or, as some have speculated, struggling with depression or other mental illness? Or, like I've heard once or twice, just behaving like a 'flaky Californian'? Whatever inspired the face of American soccer to just walk away, he needed to rediscover his fire. He stepped away and lost his spot on the team. Could he prove that he wanted it back?

* Stuart Holden - with a great personality and even better hair, Stu (number 11 above) was an American star in the making - the kind of guy that even soccer agnostics would gravitate toward. Unfortunately, his career so far has been a Greek tragedy of freak injuries and set backs. After missing more than two years of action, Stu was named to the Gold Cup squad, and the people rejoiced. Could his bad luck finally be behind him? Would he finally get the chance to live up to his potential?

* Chris Wondolowski - the leading scorer in Major League Soccer (MLS, America's domestic league). Conventional wisdom has historically indicated that only the guys who played in Europe could compete in the elite tournaments. Landon has played in the top tier in England, as have Brek Shea, Geoff Cameron, Stuart Holden, etc. Several guys have played in Germany - hell, several guys were BORN in Germany (to United States soldiers stationed overseas). Team USA also has several guys who play in Mexico's soccer league, such as Hercules Gomez. But what about the guys who play their entire careers here in the States for MLS? Can home-grown, home-developed players contribute to the National Team in a meaningful way? 'Wondo,' a gentleman of Native American Heritage (Kiowa, to be specific) is challenging old perceptions and changing how we view our local league - but would he force his way onto the first team?

* Jurgen Klinsmann - our coach and fearless leader, German by birth but American by choice. Since Jurgen got this gig, there have been stories of dissension in the ranks and bad chemistry in the locker room. Going in to the Gold Cup Final, Team USA was on a healthy winning streak - but did this mean that Jurgen had finally figured things out? Was he really the man to take American soccer to the next level? And why in the world did he get suspended for spiking a soccer ball during the match prior to the final? Why did he even HAVE a ball to spike?

PREGAME ACTIVITIES
It was a perfect Chicago summer day - about seventy degrees, overcast sky, the water of Lake Michigan was a picturesque deep blue with a fresh, lovely breeze, and Lake Shore Drive was as adorable as ever with its 40mph speed limit. Traffic was thick with our fellow patriots headed to the game - we could see the flags and the Team USA jerseys - so much red, white, and blue that it might as well have been July 4th instead of July 28th. We felt a sense of community, and it was glorious.

But.

This was our fifth time attending an event at Soldier Field, so we should have known better, but no. Once again, for a fifth consecutive time, we did not allow enough time to get to the stadium, park our vehicle, get INSIDE the stadium (a sneaky-big time suck), and find our seats before the event started. To make it even more ridiculous, we'd expected to get there in time to tailgate in the parking lot with all of the other fun people (like the guy dressed as Captain America flitting from party to party no doubt getting free samples of all of the delicious things we smelled cooking as we sprinted toward Soldier Field's West Gate).

The point is - at least where Soldier Field is concerned - allow at least three times more time than you think is even remotely reasonable. Chicago has fantastic sports fans, but there were still several of us who missed the first kick of the game trying to get inside. We missed the pregame activities. But we're sure they were moving.

THE FIRST HALF

When we found our seats, about 7 minutes had passed, and the score was (thankfully) still zero to zero. Team USA was in blue, Panama was in red. Our first order of business - get the lay of the land. Landon was easy to spot, as were Stuart Holden and Kyle Beckerman. We saw that the Team USA goalie had a full head of hair, so that immediately made us feel a bit uneasy. The man sitting next to me had an American flag in his lap, ready to wave it in celebration, but he was frustrated with the boys ("They're inbounding the ball too slowly, they need to stay on their feet," etc). He seemed to know what he was talking about. In front of us, there was a dad with his son and daughter (both of elementary age). They seemed new to the game, and they turned around to ask us a few questions, but it didn't dampen their enthusiasm. The people behind us were dressed as Uncle Sam and, I guess, Auntie Sam? Our section was electric, chanting and laughing the entire game.

Everyone we saw that day - from the parking lot to the stadium - was as cheery as the weather. We saw fans from Mexico and Columbia, in addition to the sizable contingent from Panama. But the crowd was overwhelmingly American, and about as diverse and enthusiastic as you can imagine. The entire day was a gigantic party.

Until about twenty minutes in.

Stuart Holden collided with one of the players from Panama, then writhed on the ground, clutching his knee. The stadium went quiet - I'm not sure how many people in the stands knew his story, but I didn't hear one spectator profess any disgust at soccer players "flopping." We found out later that poor Stuart had torn the ACL in his bad knee. He spent the rest of the game in the locker room, but limped out for the victory celebration. His teammate Omar carried him on his back for their victory lap around the field, and the team saw to it that he received his medal first. Heartbreaking stuff. For now, Stuart's story is to be continued...

THE SECOND HALF
Stuart's injury put a damper on the the remainder of the first half. Coach Jurgen was tucked away at the very top of the stadium like Rapunzel or somesuch. The game was still tied at zero, and things were not going overly well. Panama as a team looked like they just wanted it more.

But NO ONE looked like they wanted the Gold Cup more than Landon Donovan. He was all over the place, playing more defense than we expected (but what the hell do we know?). It was interesting to watch him move around the field - an opportunity we'd never had before, since the TV camera follows the ball most of the time. I've had my share of giggles at Landon's expense over the years, but in this game, Landon chose his spots like a chess player, sometimes crossing half the pitch to play defense, even if there seemed to be another player much closer. Sometimes he charged, sometimes he stood still, watching like a point guard, and I wished I was sophisticated enough to understand what I was seeing. Regardless, I was impressed.

About seventy minutes into the game, Landon got the ball in front of the goal, and the blond mullet of Brek Shea made sure it counted.

Team USA celebrated, and the crowd at Soldier Field exploded, hoping the game would blow wide-open now that one ball had found the back of the net. Could they score one more? Three more?

Well, they scored zero more. Panama was NOT a bad team. Their goalie won the award for best keeper in the tournament, even though Team USA didn't make him work overly hard. The game got a little chippy at the end. Brek Shea broke up a fight one minute, only to receive a shot to the back of the head a moment later. As soon as the 'end of game' whistle blew, Brek knocked his nemesis to the ground (even though they were right at midfield), and my husband giggled. The lesson, as always, don't screw with Brek Shea's hair.

POSTGAME

A stage was hastily constructed, lovely ladies in blue dresses carried out the trophies. Team USA jumped and danced together, put on championship t-shirts, and took a victory lap around the field, clapping in the direction of the fans, perhaps thanking the nearly 60,000 people who filled the stadium to cheer them on. Panama accepted their silver medals, then vacated the premises. Landon Donovan and Chris Wondolowski each got a share of the 'golden boot' trophy (the award given to the player(s) who score the most goals during the tournament), even though Wondo didn't play in the final. Landon won the equivalent of the tournament MVP award, and Soldier Field chanted his name. At the moment, he seems to have made it virtually impossible for Jurgen to leave him off the World Cup roster.

Then the confetti canon erupted, shooting out tiny bits of shiny blue and gold paper that swirled in the lake breeze and scattered all around the stadium. Several pieces reached us, and I put one gold confetti piece in my pocket. By the time I got home, it was gone - just like the bell from Polar Express. But at any rate, I learned that confetti canons are underrated. The camera does not do them justice.

So, we drifted out of the stadium on a cloud of victorious euphoria. Chants of USA followed us out to the parking lot (and one gracious American honored a group of Panama supporters with a cheer of 'Viva le Panama!' which was greeted by a cheery laugh). People weren't in a big hurry to leave (Chicago sports fans are pros - we all knew full well that there was no point in hurrying, since the traffic wouldn't allow us to leave quickly anyway). Some kids set up make-shift goals in the parking lot. Some fans turned their grills back on for a lake-side tailgate dinner. Music blared, and the party continued, even though the tournament was over. Chicago has fantabulous sports fans, but soccer fans are special. Win or lose, it's a community I'm proud to be a part of.