SUPERBOWL CHEATSHEET: Mannings Take Manhattan (or at Least New Jersey)

Don't like sports? Forced to attend a seven hour Super Bowl party with people paying varying levels of attention to each other? You've come to the right place. Here are some trivia bullets to get you through the evening, and maybe even help you accidentally enjoy yourself. I mean, the Chili Peppers are doing halftime, and then auctioning off their special drum kit to benefit Make-A-Wish! Improve your attitude!


THE VENUE

• MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey (basically New York City)
• New stadium, opened spring of 2010
• Shared home of the New York Giants and New York Jets (only two teams in the league that share a stadium)
• It includes a total of four locker rooms: one for the Giants, one for the Jets and two for visiting teams.
• Between the two NFL teams, concerts, and special events, the stadium was named the top grossing stadium in the world
• Capacity: 82,500 (90,000 for non-football major events)
• The first open-air stadium in a cold-weather U.S. city to host the Super Bowl.
• Before the Jets and Giants agreed to collaborate on this new stadium, the Jets originally planned to build a new stadium on the west side of Manhattan as part of New York City's 2012 Olympic bid.

THE TEAMS

Seattle Seahawks

• Team founded in 1976.
• Seattle held a ‘civic suggestion campaign’ to name team; there were more than 20,000 entries (but only about 1,700 unique names).
• Original team owner died of a heart attack before the team played its first game.
• Seahawks were added as an expansion team to the NFC, switched to the AFC after one year, then switched back to the NFC again in 2002. During their AFC years, the Seahawks were in the same division as the Broncos (with the Chargers, Chiefs, and Raiders) and played each other twice every season.
• Seattle is the only team that has switched conferences.
• Seattle’s stadium was specifically engineered to be the loudest (open air) stadium in the NFL; December 2013 they broke the ‘crowd noise’ record in the Guinness Book of World Records. During a playoff game touchdown run in 2011, the crowd got so loud that it registered as an earthquake on a nearby seismograph.
• The Seahawks refer to their very loud, very enthusiastic crowd as “The 12th Man” and raise a flag in their honor in their stadium before every home game.
• They share their loud, rowdy stadium with Seattle’s MLS soccer team (the Sounders).
• The Seahawks lost to the Pittsburgh Steelers in the 2005 Super Bowl. That was their only prior Super Bowl appearance.
• Coach Pete Carroll (age 62) coached at powerhouse University of Southern California (USC) from 2000-2009, where he won multiple championships (and then kinda fled in the midst of an NCAA investigation). He also chews a lot of gum.
• Marshawn Lynch (age 27, #24) was the guy running when the Seahawks fans registered their “earthquake” – now they refer to him as “Beast Mode.” When he was a kid, his mom would give him “power pellets” (Skittles candy). In 2011, fans noticed a trainer giving him Skittles to celebrate a touchdown, and now when he scores, fans give him “rainbow showers” (throw candy at him) in the endzone. Skittles produced limited edition “Seattle Mix” candy in Seahawk colors for Super Bowl week. ESPN did a “Sports Science” experiment to see how Skittles actually affect his performance.
• Defensive player Richard Sherman (age 25, #25) grew up in Compton, California, graduated from Stanford University with a degree in Communications and has begun graduate studies there, as well. He has the reputation for being very articulate, but also rather mouthy. He once tweeted a picture of himself talking to Tom Brady after the Seahawks beat the Patriots with the caption: “U mad bro?” Whatever, I laughed.
• Quarterback Russell Wilson (age 25, #3) has been drafted by both major league baseball and the NFL (if he played baseball, he’d be with the Texas Rangers). He won the inaugural Big Ten Championship game with the Wisconsin Badgers in 2011. The Seahawks drafted him as a backup in 2012, but he won the starting job before the season even started. Experts said he was too short to play quarterback in the NFL (he’s 5’11”). He often posts Bible verses on Twitter (@DangeRussWilson) and includes Matthew 6:33 in his Twitter bio.

Denver Broncos

• Team founded in 1960, never moved to or from any other city.
• Founded by Bob Howsam, who owned a minor league baseball team. He built his baseball stadium too big (34,000 seater), and needed more revenue to survive the deep debt that resulted. Thus, he started a football team.
• Howsam had a “name the team” contest, which resulted in the name “Broncos.”
• During its first season, the team was so financially strapped that the players wore used uniforms featuring hilariously hideous vertically-striped socks. Two years later, the new head coach’s first order of business was to hold a public sock burning ceremony to usher in a new era.
• Played in six (6) Super Bowls and won two (2) in 1997 & 1998, both with quarterback John Elway (now the Broncos’ Executive Vice President of Football Operations). The 1998 Super Bowl was Elway’s final game.
• Players tend to celebrate touchdowns by giving the ‘Mile High Salute’ – a military-style gesture given to fans and teammates originally popularized by former Bronco Terrell Davis in the late 1990s.
• The Broncos nearly made it to the Super Bowl with quarterback Jake Plummer in 2006, when they lost to the Steelers in the AFC Championship game. A few months later, they drafted Jay Cutler.
• Obligatory Tebowmania bullet: remember the 80 yard touchdown in overtime against the Steelers in the 2011 playoffs? The receiver who caught that Tebow throw (Demaryius Thomas, #88) is still on the team!
• Earlier this season coach John Fox was hospitalized with heart problems that resulted in aortic heart valve replacement surgery. He was back with the team about a month later and now says he’s never felt better.
• Receiver Wes Welker (#83) played in two Super Bowls with the New England Patriots (lost both).
• Defender Champ Bailey (age 35, #24) has been a Bronco (and fan favorite) for 10 years; this is his first Super Bowl. His real first name is Roland. His younger brother Boss Bailey played for the Detroit Lions.
• December 2013, kicker Matt Prater broke the record for longest field goal in NFL history (64 yards), though some argue he had an advantage, kicking in Denver’s thin, mile-high air.
• When the Broncos score at home, a white horse (and rider) runs the length of the field in celebration. This real life bronco was born with the name ‘Winter Solstice’ but took the name ‘Thunder’ (the traditional name of the Bronco’s mascot). Thunder trained extensively for the job to get used to the lines on the field. He also leads the team out of the tunnel at the beginning of games.

The Peyton Manning Stuff
(Note: This cheatsheet was created by a crazed Indianapolis Colts fan, NOT an impartial observer. If you want bias-free trivia, ask someone else. Also, the Colts beat BOTH of these teams during the regular season.)

• Born March 24, 1976 (37 years old) in New Orleans.
• His father Archie was the quarterback for the New Orleans Saints from 1971-1982.
• His brother Eli (33 years old) is the adorable quarterback of the New York Giants.
• Eli heroically won the Super Bowl in Indianapolis during Peyton’s tragic last year with the Colts; now Peyton has the chance to triumph in Eli’s stadium as well.
• Peyton and Eli’s older brother Cooper (39 years old) was on track to be a pro-caliber receiver, but was forced to quit football in college due to a spine condition. Now he’s a partner at a lucrative energy investment firm. I love him.
• Peyton married his gorgeous but spotlight-avoiding wife Ashley in 2001. They have two perfect children (~3 year old twins, a boy named Marshall and a girl named Mosley). I'm so glad we got Marshall into a Colts jersey at least once in his beautiful little life.
• Peyton was drafted by the Indianapolis Colts in 1998 (first overall pick) and signed with Denver in 2012.
• There is a hospital in Indianapolis is named Peyton Manning Children’s Hospital.
• Peyton missed the entire 2011 season after a messed up disk in his neck caused nerve damage that resulted in numbness and weakness in his throwing arm. After four neck surgeries and a full year of rehabilitation, the Colts released Peyton (and most of their other players and coaches). Because he was released and not traded, Peyton was able to choose which team he wanted to play for. After visiting a few teams, he chose Denver.
• Between Peyton and Eli, the Manning family has played in five of the last eight Super Bowls; Eli won both of his; Peyton has won one and lost one so far.
• Papa Archie never made the playoffs but is still a winner.

For the first time in many years, I'll actually be attending a Super Bowl party - for the first half. I'll be watching the second half from an undisclosed location because if Peyton wins, I don't want to cry in public.

OLYMPICS CHEATSHEET 2014 - Embracing Your Xgames Side

The following is a preview of the 2014 Sochi Olympics that I put together with Beth Pond, author of PODIUM FINISH, a young adult novel detailing the Olympic journey of two friends: one a figure skater, the other a hockey player. I have read it, and I thoroughly enjoyed it, especially refreshing to see dual points of view structure used for friends instead of resigning it to love interests. Ms. Pond specializes in girl-power sporty books (I've read 2.5 by her now), and she has some great insights into how we build identity through our successes and those times we fall short. I have a feeling we'll be hearing a lot from her in the future.

And now, a sport-by-sport breakdown of your 2014 Winter Olympics!

BIATHLON
The one where they ski and then they shoot! Here's a story of one athlete giving up her spot on the Olympic team so that her twin sister could go instead. New medal opportunity this year: The Mixed Relay, where men and women will compete together as a four person team.

BOBSLEIGH
One story I'll definitely be watching is Lolo Jones and Lauryn Williams, track stars turned bob sledders. Lolo and Lauryn are set to become only the ninth and tenth Americans to compete in both the summer and winter games. Lolo might have the more memorable name, but Lauryn’s the more decorated; she already has a silver medal from Athens and a gold medal from London.

CURLING
This..

FIGURE SKATING
The Ringers: USA Figure Skating’s best (and arguably only) chance at making the podium in Sochi lies with ice dancing duo Meryl Davis and Charlie White, the reigning world champions, who took home a silver in Vancouver. The gold went to Canadians Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir. Sochi will likely prove to be an enticing rematch. Davis and White are consistent and incredibly patient. Their “Scheherazade” program has been in their back pocket for the past two years, just waiting for this Olympics. If they win, they'll be the first Americans ever to win Olympic gold in ice dancing.

The Ladies: Gracie Gold won, you guessed it, gold at the Olympic trials. It was her first US title. Newcomer Polina Edmunds, who has never competed internationally at the senior level, came in second. Ashley Wagner, who has done well in past seasons, had a disappointing performance—two falls—and finished fifth. However, she was chosen for the third Olympic spot because of her experience.

It seems controversial, naming Wagner (though she does fit the profile of ice darling, especially now that she has a potential comeback story). But giving her the spot meant that the actual third place finisher, Mirai Nagasu, gets left at home (that video is of her exhibition performance right after she learned Wagner was chosen for the Olympic team instead of her; Grantland explored some of the reasons behind the decision here). But what’s USA Ladies figure skating without a little homemade drama?

The New Team: The Figure Skating Team competition is brand new this year. Each country competing will submit one entry for each discipline – women’s, men’s, pair’s, and ice dancing – so a total of six people on each team. I’m IRRATIONALLY excited about this, and it starts right away on Feb. 6th! Obviously, we’ll have Davis and White, and probably from the women’s side we’ll send Gracie Gold? But then what?

The Men: We have two men’s competitors to choose from. The favorite is probably Jeremy Abbott, a guy who is on the brink of retiring from competition but strikes me as a bit flaky (he was almost disqualified from the Olympic qualifying event because he was skating around the ice instead of taking his starting position – he only got it together because the audience started screaming out the count down like a student section at a basketball game!).

Our other option is a nineteen-year-old, Jason Brown, who apparently has less technical ability than Abbott, but the audiences ADORE him. He did a Riverdance thing that earned him a standing ovation before the program was even over.

The Pairs: Some interesting characters here. There’s Castelli and Shnapir, who owned Boston (their hometown) during the qualifiers. I enjoyed them for several reasons, not the least of which is that he is SIXTEEN (16) inches taller than her, and one of their routines is James Bond inspired! And then there’s Zhang and Bartholomay, who did a nifty “Les Mis” routine, with Zhang pumping her fists ("If she could have high-fived someone right there, she would have!") on the last lift, knowing that they’d just thrown down the performance of a lifetime. Both won me over, lots of personality.

The Dancers: The TV broadcasters for the US Championships said that we are LOADED at Ice Dancer this year. In addition to Davis and White, Team USA is sending two other promising ice dancing pairs: Chock and Bates (Les Mis is hot in skating this year, and the dancers get to use music with lyrics), and the Shibutani siblings (Michael Jackson!).

Team USA definitely has some talent. The US and Russia have always had strong skaters, but we’ve seen much more competition from Japan and Korea in the past two Olympics. It's certainly a likable bunch that will give us a lot to talk about.

HOCKEY
I'm pretty stupid about hockey, except that I know there are ten (10) Chicago Blackhawks competing for five (5) different countries. I'll let Pond handle this one on her own (I like to call her "Pond" because it's very Whovian):

Let's talk hockey! After earning the silver in 2010, USA Women’s Hockey is poised to take on Team Canada in the gold medal round yet again. Team Canada has won gold at the past three Olympics, but Team USA’s 21 player roster, which includes 11 Olympic veterans, has a strong chance at disrupting this winning streak. If they do, this will be the first time Team USA has claimed the top spot on the podium since the 1998 Nagano Olympics, the first time women’s hockey was part of the Olympic program. Standout players on Team USA’s roster include: Julie Chu, Jessie Vetter, Megan Duggan, and Gigi Marvin.

Consider hockey veteran Julie Chu (in her 4th Olympics) a potential candidate to carry the American flag into the opening ceremonies.

LUGE/SKELETON
Sliding really fast down hill! Luge = feet first, Skeleton = face first.

Luge is another sport pioneering a new team concept this Olympics. With several of these new Olympic events, there seems to be an emphasis on adding a team dymanic to sports that have historically been highly individualized - and on getting men and women competing together in these events, as well. This setup gives athletes an opportunity to work together as a team, and it also means more chances for more medals. Curious to see how these new events will be received, but love that they're giving it a try.

SKIING
Take it Pond!

The Ladies: With Lindsey Vonn sitting out these Games to recover from knee surgery, Team USA will be looking to Olympic veteran Julia Mancuso and 18-year-old up-and-comer Mikaela Shiffrin to makes their mark on the slopes for the good ol' red, white, and blue. It’s definitely disappointing that Vonn won’t be competing, but hopefully she’ll have a speedy recovery.

Some other women to keep an eye on: six-time National Champion aerialist Emily Cook had a strong 2013 season and is definitely one to root for in Sochi, her third Olympic games. Also, New Hampshire native and reigning Olympic gold medalist Hannah Kearney will hopefully clinch a second gold in Sochi. Since the Vancouver Olympics, Kearney has won 32 World Cup moguls races.

The Men: The infamous Bode Miller is back and supposedly leaner than ever. Also expect to see some great runs from Ted Ligety, the 2006 Olympic combined champion, who is a favorite to medal in the slalom this year.

SPEED SKATING
The Ladies: Once again, I'm out of my depths (and speed skating is her favorite), so I turn the floor over completely to Pond:

One person I’d watch is 30-year-old Michigan Native, Jessica Smith. After finishing in 6th at the 2010 Olympic Trials, one spot away from qualifying for the Olympic team, she dominated the 2014 Olympic trials, claiming first place finishes and Olympic berths in all three short track distances. She was “fire on ice” at the Olympic Trials, and I really hope she finds success in Sochi.

Right behind her is teammate Emily Scott, who gained national attention in 2013 after a USA Today story reported that the athlete had filed for food stamps. Thanks to crowdfunding, Scott raised over $48,000 to date and was able to quit her part-time job in order to focus solely on preparing for the Olympics. I think Scott, Smith, and the third member of Team USA women’s short track 2010 Olympian Aly Dudek, are all on track to shine at these games. US Speedskating was recently rocked by a coaching scandal that left the athletes very divided, but I don’t think these three women have ever skated better.

The Men: Look for strong individual performances from two-time bronze medalist J.R. Celski and first-time Olympian Eddy Alvarez. The men won silver in the relay in 2010. Whether or not they will be able to repeat this remains to be seen, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed. I think they have what it takes to make it onto the podium. One thing is certain though: Team USA’s biggest competition in the relay will come from the Canadians and the Koreans.

Note: Look for Apolo Ohno in the commentator's booth.

THE XGAMES STUFF
This year the Winter Olympics have fully embraced their innate Xgames element with several new events. Xgames athletes are awesome; you get the impression they’re always rooting for each other to do something cool. Makes for an awesome atmosphere. Check out the new Xgames additions: ski slopestyle, ski halfpipe, and even MORE snowboarding events.

For snowboarding we’ll likely be seeing a lot of familiar faces shredding in Sochi. Shaun White clinched an Olympic berth in the Men’s Snowboard Slopestyle. On the women’s side 2002 gold medalist Kelly Clark, punched her ticket to Sochi with her recent Grand Prix win.

And for the first time, they’re adding women’s ski jumping, pioneered by American Lindsey Van.

Bode Merrill is not Bode Miller & Lindsey Van is not Lindsey Vonn. #WinterSportsTutorial

— Bethany Robison (@BethanyRobison) January 24, 2014

You can find a full schedule of events from NBC here.
A million thanks to Beth Pond for her insight and expertise. Check out her new novel PODIUM FINISH, and go Team USA!

CHEATSHEET: Football is Somehow Almost Over

You're not a sports fan? That's cool, you've come to the right place. We'll give you just enough information to survive a playoff party, decide who to cheer for, when to be excited, and when to be outraged. Really, that's all we need to know in any given life situation.

The Super Bowl is Sunday, Feb 2, 2014.
The halftime show is locked in (Bruno Mars - and the CHILI PEPPERS!!!).
The location is set (New York City - er, at least the New Jersey-exposed-to-the-winter-elements section of it).

All we need now are the teams (much like a girl in her twenties who has her dream wedding all planned and just needs a willing guy).

But ENOUGH parentheticals! Cue the dating-game music and let's meet our championship contenders!

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

There baaack! The Super Bowl Losers' Curse cannot touch Captain-Coach Jim Harbaugh. My feelings for Jim Harbaugh are well documented in this space. He had a super-human season for my Indianapolis Colts during my impressionable youth. In fact, this year's playoffs QBs span about 20 years of my life (Jim Harbaugh circa 1994 took us to Peyton Manning in 1998 took us to Andrew Luck in the now). And, of course, Harbaugh was Andrew Luck's coach at Stanford. Everything comes full circle. YAY!

Every time I turn on my TV, I see Colin Kaepernick's beats. They're playing the hell out of that commercial, and with good reason, as it shows cold-as-ice Kaep getting off the bus surrounded by an angry Seattle-colored mob, which might be exactly what happens this weekend (tho, I always assumed Seattle people were too chill to mob?). Kaep is one of the league's rising stars, though some might say he's regressed this season (he was my fantasy QB, and I did indeed bench him one or twice in favor of Alex Smith for cripes sake). But it's hard to argue with him making the final four twice in two attempts. We should all be so regressive.

By the way - sometime in the 1990s THIS APPARENTLY HAPPENED(?!?)

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

Russell Wilson has been in the NFL for two seasons now, and he's five-feet-ten of adorable. Spent some college minutes as a Wisconsin Badger, got drafted by the Texas Rangers baseball team, but entered the NFL draft as something of a long-shot (given his shortness). He lists one of his key NFL heroes as Drew Brees (another "short" quarterback), which makes him alright in my book. He was drafted by the Seahawks last year to backup high-dollar free-agent Matt Flynn - and then won the starting job outright before the season even started. Vintage Disney stuff. And here he is, one game away from the Super Bowl.

Defensive player Richard Sherman is one of the approximately two million Stanford players in the NFL at the moment. Harbaugh was his coach, but now...

Coach Pete Carroll was an NFL failure. He coached the New England Patriots several years ago, such that Sports Guy Bill Simmons nicknamed him "Coach Fredo" (GODFATHER joke). Pete went to USC, reinvented himself as a perennial winner, started a blood feud with Jim Harbaugh when they were both coaching college teams, and then fled NCAA allegations by accepting the job in Seattle (where his team has since enjoyed a series of drug test suspensions). Word on the street is that Coach Pete and Captain Harbaugh truly despise each other - which makes this game (the THIRD time these teams have played this season) all the more fun.

Substance allegations aside, I adore watching the Seahawks. I like how their brightly colored uniforms look in the rain. I like the silhouette and noise level of their stadium (which doubles as a soccer stadium that ALWAYS sells out). Seattle has some of the BEST sports fans in the world. If it were up to me, they'd be hosting an Olympics immediately.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

Hello, nemesis. Tom Brady is one game away from the Super Bowl AGAIN. For the SIXTH (6th) time. He's married to the highest paid super model in the world. His house in California has a mote. He does ads for Uggs. There is nothing new here.

Except that, due to injuries and incarcerations, the Patriots are now a running team instead of a throwing team. That sneaked up on people. And it seems as though the league now goes out of its way to make him look hilarious. There are some truly amazing Tom Brady GIFs out there. (Note: As I was drafting this post, news broke that Tommy missed practice because he was sickly. Now I feel terrible, hope it wasn't something contagious that will spread to the entire team...?)

Don't forget about the Belichick - the Hoodie - the evil genius behind it all. Remember the hoodie code: When he wears the blue one, he's vulnerable. The red one, and the Pats have basically already lost. But the gray one - in the gray one he's damn near invincible. With all the stats people out there, I do NOT understand why this is even an issue, but he busted the blue hoodie out for the Colts last weekend. Or perhaps it was just hubris (yeah, Coach Chuck, I'll beat you even with the BLUE hoodie!).

I hate the Patriots in that way that I want them to lose, but I don't want them to go away forever. Ours is a Megamind/MetroMan relationship. When Brady/Belichick ceases to be a thing, I'll be nostalgic. I've missed a lot of games this season, and struggled to get into the story lines. We took a long vacation to foreign places, we sold our house, did a lot of apartment hunting, etc. I feel like I BARELY know what's going on. The end of the Manning/Brady era is coming, and I want to soak all the goodness out of it, but...

DENVER BRONCOS

As I said in the beginning, my alliances are well documented, and I'm a Peyton girl through and through. I care too much. I've spent all week building a pillow fort behind my couch from which to watch this game. Just thinking about it makes me feel like this.

SUMMARY

New England Patriots at Denver Broncos
Sunday, January 19th - 3pm EST (CBS)

San Francisco 49ers at Seattle Seahawks
Sunday, January 19th - 6:30pm EST (FOX)

Winners meet in the Super Bowl
Sunday, February 2nd - ~6pm EST (FOX)

BOOK STUDY: Someone FINALLY YA'd the Pimpernel

That someone is Diana Peterfreund, and that book is ACROSS A STAR-SWEPT SEA.

I've been studying THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL for about 15 years. I feel like I qualify for at least a Masters in Pimpernel. I've been WAITING for an excuse to throw down a thesis-length book study on it, and FINALLY, here's my chance! Let's unpack the lineage of the Pimpernel story and see where ACROSS THE STAR-SWEPT SEA fits in.

*********************************************
SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS
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WHAT IS THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL?

* A love/adventure story (actually a series of stories) written by Baroness Orczy in the early 1900s.
* A great idea poorly executed for over 100 years.

The great idea: At the beginning of the French Revolution, French actress marries rich Englishman. She's blackmailed into spying on the English aristocracy in hopes of unmasking the man (known as The Scarlet Pimpernel) who's been rescuing French citizens condemned to the guillotine. She helps the revolutionaries set a trap for the hero only to discover that the Pimpernel is her husband. Basically, it's a ancestor of BATMAN if Bruce Wayne were married, hiding his identity from his wife, and working with an Ocean's Eleven-esque group of buddies to fight crime. (Clooney would be Percy, Brad Pitt would be Andrew, and Matt Damon would be himself.)

The original story was told from Lady Marguerite's perspective, building up to a reveal of "Luke I am your father" or "Bruce Willis is dead in the Sixth Sense" proportions. The tension building up to her discovering the identity of the Pimpernel is real and still valid a century later. But as the story has evolved, new renditions have gone with a strategy of "screw it, let's tell the story from Percy's perspective instead - no point in pretending people don't know who he is." Percy goes more places, sees more things, interacts with more people, and is in the thick of more action. Centering the narrative around him is a solid decision every time.

The Poor Execution: Each interpretation of the story has had its problems. For one, everyone struggles with where to begin (a legitimate question for all storytellers), and evolving this text over one hundred years seems to have only exacerbated the issue. Do we start with when Percy and Marguerite meet? Or when Percy decides to take on the dual identity and start saving people? Or when Chauvelin starts his manhunt? Or somewhere else? The middle of the story (with the espionage and deceit) provides solid bones, but good gracious, the endings! There's a reason you haven't seen a lot of remakes of CITIZEN KANE (they got it right the first time), but there are several versions of the Pimpernel. We're still waiting for someone to stick the landing on the dismount.

A BRIEF BUT COMPLETE HISTORY OF THE PIMPERNEL NARRATIVE

To appreciate the level of difficulty for Peterfreund's rendition, you need some understanding of the versions that came before.

* Baroness Orczy's original series. Rough beginning. It takes several rambling chapters to establish the conflict, build the world, etc. The two main characters, Marguarite and Percy, don't get ANY "screen time" until chapters five and six respectively.

Solid middle, building fascinating relationships (Marguerite & Percy; Percy & Andrew; Marguerite & Chauvelin; Armand & Marguerite; Chauvelin & Percy; Percy & Everyone; and my favorite Marguerite & Andrew). Each relationship is built on real, believable conflict. Marguerite & Percy have an estranged marriage for reasons that unfold as we go. Marguerite and Chauvelin were friends, but now she is the object of his blackmail and her brother Armand’s potential executioner. Andrew is caught between Percy (his best friend, to whom he’s pledged his undying loyalty) and Marguerite (his best friend’s wife, a damsel in distress, who must be treated with the utmost chivalry, even if she is trying to deceive him).

The original ending is really, really rough - like, it ends with the Pimpernel disguising himself as a Jewish cart owner and having the revolutionaries beat him up because he's Jewish. It also features an unrealistic reconciliation between Percy and Marguerite, which makes me think that the good Baroness mistakes starry-eyed hero worship for love. Discovering that Percy was a hero shouldn't have been enough to forgive his actions, especially given that their relationship was supposedly based on him idolizing her. Rather, discovering his true identity should have been a opening for dialogue between them and led to something deeper. If you ask me, that ending couldn't have been chucked into the shredder fast enough.

* Movie version from 1934 staring Ashley from GONE WITH THE WIND as Percy. Already the narrative has shifted from Marguerite to Percy, and the opening scene shows him in the midst of a perfectly executed rescue mission. We get to see him switch between his Pimpernel mask and his ‘court idiot’ mask – and that true self that exists in the small moments in between. A very good rendition that gives us more insight into the relationship between Percy and his cohorts. As in the original text, we’re a little unclear on exactly how (or why?) Percy and Marguerite ever became a couple in the first place, so the romance feels a little forced. At the end, Percy is captured by Chauvelin and bravely faces a firing squad, knowing that it is his own men (led by his right-hand-man Andrew) behind the guns. The end feels flat compared to the rest of the story (and how about that FAINT!), but it’s still a vast improvement over the original.

* Movie version from 1982 staring Doctor Quinn as Marguerite and Gandolph as Chauvelin. Peterfreund states in her acknowledgements that this is the authoritative version she turned to, and with good reason. Believable backstory as to why Percy and Marguerite became a couple! A (newly conceived) love triangle between Percy, Marguerite, and Chauvelin! Sword fights! One of the things that made this version more fun was that it melded together the original Pimpernel story with another of Baroness Orczy’s novels (ELDORADO) to produce a much richer text. But while this version of Percy might be the most like the Baroness’s original description (drolling speech, heavy eyelids, just generally a bit lazy and irritating), I prefer my Percy to ramble quick words and then pause while everyone listening goes… what? Like…

* Broadway version 1997. Ohhh Douglas Sills. I first became aware of the Pimpernel’s existence because I saw Douglas Sills perform “Into the Fire” on the Rosie O’Donnell show after school. I’d never heard of it before, but this snippet was enough to make me go WHAT IS THIS WHAT IS IT? Broadway did a phenomenal job of churning up the humor and heartbreak of the story, but it focused almost exclusively on the love triangle. At least we still got a sword fight at the end.

* There was also a BBC mini-series in the late 1990s. It’s on NetFlix. The second episode made me laugh. Let’s move on.

The point is, the last 100 years has proven that there are a LOT of different ways to tell this story, and we have yet to find THE BEST way to arrange the given puzzle pieces. That’s why what Peterfreund did was so cool. She went back to the original text, dug in, found some elements that hadn't yet been explored, and then added her own unique flavor.


ACROSS THE STAR-SWEPT SEA: THE BIG PICTURE

First of all, Peterfreund pulled the old gender swap-a-roo. She presents the Percy character as a girl (which begs the question, what if Paris Hilton has been fooling us all along?). Percy became Persis (short for Persistence, which I doubly enjoyed because it reminded me so much of “Paris” and it also sounds kind of like the plural for "purse"). The Marguerite character is transformed from a famous actress into a guy from a famous family. Chauvelin, Armand, Andrew, even the Prince of Wales – every guy character becomes a girl (except, I guess Tony might be the equivalent of Tero?).

Secondly, the story finally advances beyond the French Revolution period. Peterfreund built a really cool futuristic sci-fi South Pacific sort of world with Albion on one side of the sea and Galatea on the other. (Because all I think about these days is soccer, it reminded me of WBA and Galatasaray.) The world building was complex and full – it actually took me a couple of chapters to get my bearings (which makes me wonder what the experience would be like for someone unfamiliar with the Pimpernel story? Probably easier). While aristocrats were beheaded via guillotine in old France, in Galatea, they lost their minds due to forced medication. Another smart (and terrifying) idea from Peterfreund.

Thirdly, and probably the biggest obstacle to making a YA Pimpernel story work – Peterfreund found a way to force “Percy” and “Marguerite” together without them being married. She didn't utilize the love triangle plot that had become such a staple of the story over the years. She dreamed up enough alternate tension to keep the story interesting without it.


ACROSS A STAR-SWEPT SEA – THE BRILLIANT DETAILS

If you go way, way back to the original Orczy text and read the world’s initial introduction to Percy, you’ll find an almost throw-away line about where Percy came from. His father was wealthy, his mother was mentally ill – and because Percy looked more like his mother, it was no surprise that he was stupid, too.

Of course, playing stupid was all part of the game for Percy, just as it is for Persis, a blond, stylish, gossipy, high school dropout. But Peterfreund took that throwaway line about Percy’s mother and made it the driving engine of her plot. Persis’s mother is ill, which makes her more compassionate toward those being tortured with the mind-numbing medication. She also knows that she may have inherited her mother’s illness, which makes her reckless. No romantic motivations needed. A very smart addition.

Marguerite became Justen (a less obvious name indicator, which made me a little sad), the descendant of a famous doctor and a promising medical student himself. Medical issues (or maybe more specifically, the interaction of technology and the body) are woven through the entire story. Persis experiments with different genetic engineering codes for her disguises (not unlike some futuristic version of polyjuice potion). When one goes wrong, Justen the Medic is there to provide first aid. A clever meeting, different enough that I momentarily forgot that I sort of already knew where the story was going.

Justen requests asylum in Albion in order to conduct research without interference from revolution (and it's granted due to his famous name). Asylum in this instance means "stay at Persis's house" and thus Peterfreund is able to keep the espionage tension alive. While Percy turns on Marguerite after she denounces French aristocrats to the guillotine, Persis turns on Justen once she learns that he played a part in developing the drug being administered to aristocrats.

Just as the original Percy was closely associated with the Prince of Wales, Persis is best friends with the Princess of Albion - the difference is, this time the Princess knows Persis's secret. Peterfreund's book focuses a LOT more on the political risks. The Princess is caught between keeping her own country from following the Revolutionaries' lead and also keeping her moral compass. Albion has a quaint little thread of "women can't inherit stuff and have limited rights," which also plays along nicely with maintaining 'The Wild Poppy's' cover ("when they expect nothing of you, they never see you coming"). Galatea, on the other hand, had always had a proper Queen, so seeing a female Chauvelin strikes no one as weird. There's even some Orczy source material to use for inspiration. A smart, well-crafted villain.

It was surprisingly refreshing that Peterfreund killed the love triangle and instead made the Chauvelin character and Justen like siblings. It was as though Robespierre was Chauvelin's father, he adopted Marguerite and Armand, and then raised them all together like a happy little revolutionary family. I'd reached a point where I thought the love triangle was so ingrained in the story that it HAD to be included, but I was wrong. In this case, it was much better without it.


THE ENDING

Peterfreund comes the closest to sticking the dismount that I've ever seen (and my quest to find the perfect Pimpernel ending goes so deep that I've even seen "Pimpernel Smith" smuggling people out of Germany during WWII). The Chauvelin equivalent captures Persis (ala Orczy's ELDORADO, in which Percy is deprived of sleep until he starts to lose himself). Persis is similarly in danger of losing her mind due to the Revolutionaries' drug - but the Armand character switches the medicines at the last second. Much like Sir Percy Blakeney before her, "Persis Flake's" greatest skill is maintaining and rewarding loyalty.

I like endings that have momentum behind them. For example, at the end of BACK TO THE FUTURE Doc Brown says, "Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads." When they soar off into the clouds, you know that the story continues, even if you can't see it.

Unlike previous Pimpernel renditions that attempted to give us resolution of conflict, the end of ACROSS A STAR-SWEPT SEA felt like the beginning of something. A vast, vast improvement. This is a fun book, but it's a smart book at the same time.

BUT IT'S STILL NOT QUITE PERFECT...

Over the past 100 years, Andrew (my favorite character) has slowly been written out of the story. I would argue that the original book was almost as much Andrew's story as it was Percy or Marguerite's. He has at least twice as much "screen time" as Percy. He's chippy, he's loyal, he's swoony-in-love, he has a hot temper, and he's the first person we know for sure is involved with the Pimpernel rescues. He doesn't even seem to be hiding it - and in just about every version, there is a scene in which Marguerite wonders aloud if Andrew might be the Pimpernel. He's an amazing character, and yet with each new version he's increasingly diluted. He was completely cut OUT of the 1997 musical version, which is probably one of the reasons it had such a singular focus on the love triangle.

The fact is: Percy Blakeney as presented in Orczy's first novel wasn't a very likable character (she has to fool us readers as much as Percy's fooling Chauvelin and the members of the court). And so, to make him more heroic and worthy of hosting the main narrative (Save the Cat?), Andrew's characteristics were slowly shuffled in his direction and best friend status granted to someone else. Seeing him pushed to the background makes me very sad - so when the very first scene of ACROSS A STAR-SWEPT SEA showed Persis and "Andrew" working as a team, I was so hopeful... but the interplay I wanted happened between Persis and the Princess instead. It was good, but I'd still love to see Andrew pulled back into the limelight.

Peterfreund got so many little things right that it's obvious she did her homework - Persis drives too fast, has a ship called the Daydream, the distinctive laugh, the lighthearted nature. The tone was appropriate, but I would have liked more sense of humor. The Pimpernel is best when the Pimpernel is funny. This book is by no means dour or brooding, but it didn't make me laugh out loud, either. It got a little repetitive at times - we know Justen feels bad about his role in developing the drug, we don't need to be reminded - just little things like that. But she used her artistic license with great success, and for that she's to be congratulated.

IN CONCLUSION

This is an outstanding rendition, and I'm so glad I read it. But, there is still room for someone to land a perfect Pimpernel. If there are other versions out there I might have missed, please let me know. We all have our quests, our White Whales. This just so happens to be mine.

The Greatest Compliment Peyton Manning Ever Received

Colts 39, Broncos 33.

This game was about the relationship between a player and a city. It was more of a ceremony than a game, one the fanbase sorely needed. We needed this chance to say thank you. We needed Peyton Manning to know how much we love him.
And the love radiated.
Peyton came home to the stadium he built in the city he redefined. The site where his brother won a Super Bowl during the season he missed. He played in front of an incredibly intelligent crowd - one he trained himself.
And the Indianapolis Colts - the team and the fans - gave him the best of our best.
For the first time EVER, Indy fans unleashed a wall of noise while Peyton possessed the ball - and the TV cameras were smart enough to zoom in on the crowd during that first snap to show how the crowd RELISHED that opportunity. The fans seemed to be saying, "Look! We remember what you taught us. You made us what we are. We want you to be proud."
It felt like a playoff game - the team, the crowd, everyone giving their best for the best.
Obviously, tonight Peyton would have preferred to leave with a win - but in the long run, hopefully he'll appreciate the legacy he left behind. When he came here, the Indianapolis Colts were perennial losers with TV blackouts. Over the course of fourteen years, he literally wrecked his neck dragging us out of the muck. Tonight, we got to show him that we're good stewards of all he gave us. We didn't fall apart, we didn't roll over. He made us better, and we won't forget. We gave him all we had and rose to the occasion.
What better compliment could we give?
He deserves nothing less than our best.

CHEATSHEET: Preparing for the English Premier League Invasion - Part 2

English Premier League play begins on NBC this Saturday (August 17). Twenty teams will start the season. Thirty-eight games later, three will be relegated out of the league, four will qualify for the Champions League tournament to crown the best team in Europe, and one will lift the first place trophy.

Meet your cast of characters: [cue the Dating Game theme]

THE CONTENDERS

1. Manchester United
Overview: Probably the most recognizable soccer "brand" in America, Manchester United is known for winning everything. A lot of people compare them to the old school New York Yankees, throwing money around high-dollar stars, but they don't hold the monopoly on that market anymore (see: Chelsea, Manchester City, the nation of Spain). By the way, just as a reminder, ManU is owned by the same people who own the Tampa Bay Bucs. I'm surprised every time I remember that because these things are not overly similar. ManU is fun to root against, but I struggle to see them as pure evil, especially since I watched the BBC movie UNITED on streaming NetFlix, about how the team was nearly destroyed by a plane crash in the 1950s. This movie stars David Tennant as the coach who kept the team going, so Doctor Who fans, stream away!
Notable Players: Wayne Rooney, Robin van Persie, Javier Hernandez (known as 'Chicharito')
Color: Devil Red.

2. Manchester City
Overview: A hard luck team recently acquired by a very rich owner (as Roger Bennett would say, 'Oil money solves a lot of problems'). They stole the 2012 title from their arch rivals (ManU) on THE LAST KICK OF THE SEASON after spending decades living the Chicago Cubs experience, and then their fans stormed the field NCAA-style. What else do you need to know? Well, you could say that they took a rather Miami Heat mercenary approach to getting it done. But I don't judge.
Notable Players: Joe Hart, David Silva, Sergio Aguero.
Color: North Carolina Tar Heel Blue

3. Chelsea
Overview: I like to think of Chelsea as the LA Lakers. They're a fashionable team in a fashionable area of London, and they just seem to find a way to stay in the conversation. They have a coach who's back for his second term with the club (Phil Jackson style) - and this coach even invented his own nickname: The Special One. Chelsea is another team with an extremely rich owner (any time you get the chance to type the words 'Russian oligarch' you HAVE to do it). He's owned the team for 10 years, Jerry Jones style, hiring a new manager more or less every season (I've been following EPL for two years and have already seen four different guys in charge).
Notable Players: All of the players. Just all of them.
My favorite player: Fernando Torres, known in my household as the Iberian god of sadness. So talented, so shy and unassuming, so perpetually sad.
Color: Blue - like Indianapolis Colts blue.

4. Arsenal
Overview: I hate Arsenal. I can't even explain how it started, but the more time I spend studying them, the more they reminded me of the New York Knicks. Very passionate fans, proud tradition. They have a grumpy old French coach who wears a puffy coat (NBC keeps showing a clip of him struggling to zip the zipper and it still hasn't lost its funny). Their team logo is a cannon. As much as I hate to admit it, that's pretty badass. There was a time when Arsenal went on a 49 game win streak and earned the nickname the Invincibles. They have a bitter rivalry with their London neighbors Tottenham Hotspur that dates back 100 years. If you're bookish by nature, pick up FEVER PITCH by Nicholas Hornby, a delightful read about his experiences growing up with Arsenal (and a lot of poignant observations about sports fanhood in general).
Notable Players: A lot of people who transferred to Manchester United, and a lot of people who will soon transfer to Manchester United, assuming ManU wants them.
Color: Chicago Bulls Red.

5. Tottenham Hotspur
Overview: The Spurs are my team of choice. I tried to avoid it, but the gravitational pull was too strong. They're a London team, but they don't strike me as fancy (when compared to Arsenal or Chelsea). Their manager is Andre Villas Boas (AVB), a rather good looking Portuguese man who is only about 35 years old. (Note: there seem to be a lot of very attractive people in European futball.) NBC has been promoting the living daylights out of their upcoming soccer coverage, including a 30-min special with short introductions to each team. I can't find a link to a video right now, but it taught me that Tottenham gets its name from a royal knight that later became a character in a Shakespeare play (very classy). I did find a link to an NBC video thing comparing my Spurs as the Knicks. This makes me furious. Also, they've been showing this a lot.
Notable Players: Gareth Bale (please Lord, let him stay; he's phenomenally good and he looks like Schmidt from New Girl), and until recently American team captain Clint Dempsey, who just accepted a gig in Seattle.
Color: Lily White

6. Everton
Overview: I wanted to be an Everton fan. Really, I did, and they still have a special place in my heart. They're a "moneyball" type of team that always seems greater than the sum of their parts. Founded in 1878, they have NEVER been relegated out of the top league. But, the plot thickens: their long-time manager just accepted a job with Manchester United, ushering in a new era that has yet to be defined (and possibly a new rivalry?). Everton is located in the city of Liverpool, home to the Beatles and also their arch rival, Liverpool Football Club. Everton and Liverpool's stadiums are about one mile apart, separated only by a park.
Notable Players: American goalie Tim Howard, Marouane Fellaini (the one with the big, curly hair).
Color: Another team wearing Indianapolis Colts Blue.

7. Liverpool
Overview: Much like ManU, they're team with a proud tradition that's really fun to hate (they were ManU before ManU was ManU). Take every Boston area team (the Patriots, the Red Sox, the Celtics, the Bruins) and squish them together - because Liverpool is owned by the same group who owns the Red Sox, and thus seem to carry a similar vibe. Last season, they starred in a "Hard Knocks" type reality show called Being Liverpool, which featured a scene showing the baseball and soccer players in a very awkward interaction facilitated by former Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine. I wish I could find a YouTube clip of this, because trust me, it was scrumptious. Liverpool used to win everything, but lately, I've rather enjoyed watching them finish 6th or 7th. They have an amazing fanbase, who are best known for belting out their team anthem: You'll Never Walk Alone.
Notable Players: Luis Suarez (who has been in trouble more than once for biting other players), Steven Gerrard, long time player for Team England.
Color: Red Sox Red.

MID-TABLE

8. West Brom
Overview: "West Brom" is short for West Bromwich Albion. To be honest, I don't know a lot about them. I think they may be the best of the middle, like an NFL team that finishes 8-8 every year. They're nicknamed 'The Baggies' and they have a trademark celebration in which they BOING BOING (it reminds me of the Wisconsin Badgers "Jump Around" thing).
Color: Blue and white stripes.

9. Swansea City
Overview: I'm fond of the Swans, the first Welsh team to play in the English Premier League (note, Wales has its own league, but some Welsh teams choose to play in the English leagues instead). For the first time in history, both Swansea and their bitter Welsh rival, Cardiff, are in the Premier League. They're a team on the rise, one I'm looking forward to seeing more of.
Notable Players: Michu (winning at most adorable name), Michel Vorm
Color: White and black

10. West Ham
Overview: West Ham, known as The Hammers, is an east London team in the process of moving in to the Olympic Stadium (where Paul McCartney led the world in a Hey Jude sing-along in 2012). Their anthem is 'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles' and the fans actually blow bubbles all over the place as part of their celebrations. It's worth tuning in just for that; the bubbles look pretty awesome in HD. Back in the 1960's, West Ham was home to many of Team England's best players. Lately, however, the Hammers have been rebuilding. They were promoted to the Premier League in 2012 and enjoyed a pretty solid first season back.
Notable Players: Andy Carroll (the big dude with the long hair)
Color: Sort of a red wine with sky blue sleeves.

11. Norwich City
Overview: Norwich is another team I'm still getting acquainted with. They were promoted very quickly (in successive seasons, I believe) - like an entire baseball team going from Double-A to Major League in two years. They've got a distinct look and flavor, but I don't think I've ever seen them play. It's something I'm looking forward to this fall.
Notable Players: I'm not familiar with his work, but they have a forward on their roster named Ricky van Wolfswinkel. I need to know more.
Color: Bright green and yellow, sort of a Brazilian vibe.

12. Fulham
Overview: I'm not sure why Fulham isn't more popular. Their stadium is RIGHT on the Thames in London, a stone's throw from Chelsea. Until recently, they were owned by the guy who owns Harrod's department store (famous for being able to get ANYTHING). A few months ago, the new owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars bought up Fulham (and keep in mind, the Jags also signed a multi-year deal to play games in London for the next several seasons). Could there be some sort of Fulham/Jax cross-promotional efforts in the works? I kind of hope so. Also, they have a rather famous Michael Jackson statue outside their stadium. Even before they had an American owner, Fulham seemed to be one of the more American friendly teams. Team USA Captain Clint Dempsey was one of the top goal scorer's in the league his last year there.
Color: White and black

13. Stoke City
Overview: I like Stoke, if for no other reason than "STOKE" is s strong name for a team. They keep bringing in American players (which is kind of unusual in Europe). Regular listeners to Grantland's Men in Blazers know Stoke as the home of "Quarterback Style" - a hilarious reference made by a British TV commentator, when he described how American Geoff Cameron did throw-ins. It's kind of hard to explain, but the point is this: when Geoff Cameron does something good, it's fun the shout QUARTERBACK STYLE at your television. By the way, JK Rowling fans, Stoke City's known as the "Potters".
Notable Players: Team USA's own Geoff Cameron, Brek Shea, and Maurice Edu. Also the very tall Peter Crouch.
Color: Red and white stripes

THE UNDERDOGS (aka The Relegation Zone)

14. Southampton
Overview: Southampton is probably best known for being the port from which the Titanic sailed. The soccer team is nicknamed the Saints, and their anthem is 'When the Saints Go Marching In,' so New Orleans fans, take notice.
Notable Players: Rickie Lambert!
Color: Red

15. Aston Villa
Overview: Villa is a team with a proud tradition who seem to have under-achieved lately. They're from the Midlands of England (Birmingham, birthplace of Top Gear's Richard Hammond), and until recently they were owned by the same guy as the Cleveland Browns (these things may be a bit similar - seeing as how both teams were QUITE respectable a few decades ago).
Notable Players: American Goalie Brad Guzan, Christian Benteke
Color: Wine and blue, distressingly similar to West Ham's.

16. Newcastle
Overview: Newcastle, known as the magpies, basically looks like an entire team of NFL referees running around the field. Two years ago, they were flirting with the Champions League. Last year, they barely escaped getting relegated. ANYTHING could happen!
Notable Players: Basically everyone from France
Color: Black and white stripes

17. Sunderland
Overview: The only thing I know about this team is that they just acquired America's Jozy Altidore. Please excuse me while I consult Google: Their home field is called "The Stadium of Light" (excellent name); they're located somewhere near their arch rival Newcastle (good, good); they're nicknamed 'The Black Cats' (fits nicely with Newcastle being the Magpies - cat vs bird).
Notable Players: American Jozy Altidore
Color: Red and white stripes

18. Cardiff City
Overview: The other Welsh team, newly promoted to the Premier League! Everything I know about Cardiff I learned from watching Doctor Who (they film the show in Cardiff, therefore they've had several episodes that take place there). They're known as the bluebirds, but their new Malaysian owner decided red was a luckier color. Thus, their uniforms are now red.
Color: Red

19. Hull City
Overview: Some teams are known as 'yo-yo' teams, meaning they're in and out of the Premier League on a fairly regular cycle. Hull is NOT one of these teams. They're known as the tigers (perhaps a match for Bengals fans looking to suffer in a second sport?). They also feature a father and son pairing - Dad Bruce is the manager, Son Bruce is a defender.
Color: Amber and black stripes.

20. Crystal Palace
Overview: The third newly promoted team, Palace is from London. They actually got their ticket to the Premier League after a thrilling playoff that went to overtime in the mother of all venues, Wembley Stadium. After winning what's known as 'The Richest Game in Football' (because of the huge boost in revenue that comes with playing in the Premier League), Palace's coach said: "We're in the Premier League! God help us..."
Color: Half blue/Half red

Take your time, get a feel for what you like. A team is for life! Choose carefully.

CHEATSHEET: Preparing for the English Premier League Invasion - Part 1

On August 1, I took my parents and my husband to watch what amounted to an exhibition soccer match in Lucas Oil Stadium with about 41,000 of our closest friends (including my cousin Katie who provided these pictures - thanks Katie!). We were there to see Chelsea, one of the world's elite soccer teams, all the way from London, dressed in the same blue as everything else in the Colts' stadium. Their worthy opponent: Inter Milan from Italy. One thing was immediately clear: the home crowd LOVED Chelsea. Most of us were there - in Indianapolis - specifically to see them.

Maybe it was the color, maybe it was Chelsea's marketing team successfully drumming up interest here State-side. Either way, brace yourselves sports fans: English soccer is coming.

Close your eyes and think of college football. There are more than 100 Division I teams, but only 25 at a time are 'ranked.' Teams are scattered around the country such that it's hard to find a community without an allegiance.

Now shift your mind to baseball. Players move up and down through Major League, Triple-A, Double-A, and "A." Teams date back to the 1870s/1880s. If you look at a map of the destruction caused by the Great Chicago Fire in 1871, you'll find the 'White Stockings' field nearby.

Now mentally squish these images together. Throw in a dash of NFL physicality (minus the pads) and NBA speed (minus the height). Make the clock count up instead of down, and remove all timeouts and commercial breaks.

You're almost ready for the English Soccer Experience.

* Last year, NBC bought the rights to show 380 English Premier League games. Games start on August 17th and run through spring (long past the end of NFL season). Most of them will be on Saturday and Sunday mornings, and since soccer games can end in ties, you'll always know EXACTLY what time they will end (an underrated perk of being a soccer fan). And just LOOK AT THIS SCHEDULE! Most of the games begin at 10am EST, the perfect time to ease into the day with a cup of hot tea.

* Soccer in England is broken into four levels: The Premier League (20 teams), The Championship (24 teams), Division One (24 teams), and Division Two (24 teams). Kind of like our baseball system, no?

* NBC is televising games between the 20 Premier League teams. They'll play each other twice (home and away), for a 38 game season, roughly one game a week.

* At the end of each season, the bottom three teams in the Premier League are sent down to the Championship, and the top three teams in the Championship take their place. Imagine the Cubs or Royals being sent down to Triple-A (the TEAMS instead of individual PLAYERS) and then having to earn their way back.

* Note that it is specifically the "English" Premier League. England has its own league. So do Scotland, and Spain, and Germany, and several other countries (including America's MLS, which we share with Canada).

* You know how every March, we watch the NCAA basketball tournament, featuring (X) teams from the Big East and (Y) teams from the Big Ten, PAC-howevermany, mid-majors, etc? The best 68 teams from the various conferences compete and typically Duke or Kentucky wins? In soccer, the equivalent is the Champions League - the top four teams from England qualify, the top few from Spain, and Germany, Russia, Turkey, Belgium, France, etc, and they play to crown the best team in Europe.

* Behold, the League Table, which not only tells you who's winning - it tabulates points, wins, losses and so much more. A win is worth three points, tie is worth one, and a loss gives you nothing (kind of like hockey). Points are most important, but goal difference matters. If you CAN run up the score, you probably will.

* Here is a MAP showing where all of this season's English Premier League teams are located. For the first time in league history, two of the teams are in Wales.

* But keep in mind, whenever anyone says "for the first time in league history," the English Premier League as it's currently organized was founded in 1992. This general soccer system has been in place for over 100 years, but the league did some refreshing and rebranding - and it exploded globally as a result.

* Six of the twenty English Premier League Teams are owned by Americans.

• Manchester United is owned by the family who owns the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
• Arsenal is owned by the guy who owns the St Louis Rams, the Denver Nuggets, and Colorado Avs.
• Liverpool is owned by the same people who own the Boston Red Sox.
• The guy who owns Aston Villa until recently was also the owner of the Cleveland Browns.
• Fulham was just purchased by the guy who owns the Jacksonville Jaguars.
• The sixth team is Sunderland, owned by a Dallas businessman.
• And Manchester City sort of just married the New York Yankees.

* Don't have the time to research which of the 20 teams is right for you? There are some cheatsheets available below to help you get started. Just keep in mind that, thanks to promotion and relegation, the league CHANGES EVERY YEAR. This isn't annoying, it's part of the drama - like characters coming and going on Game of Thrones!

You can look here and here and here and here to get started, but I'll post my take on the 20 Premier League teams in part 2. When in doubt, you can always just cheer for the elite American players (for example, goalie Tim Howard plays for Everton, Jozy Altidore just signed with Sunderland, and Stoke City has a couple of Yanks, as well).

* Here is NBC's EPL schedule so you can PLAN. Soccer isn't just coming - it's already here.